Bookworms, lovers, Alphonce

Bookworms, lovers and Alphonce | CRACKEDDD…

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Between a rock and a hard place...

I wanna get out of my boring room but the weather outside is not so friendly. My ho-hum  teacher for maths has caused me a lot of mental weariness. This weather totally sucks. I hate this weather. It acts like a woman who is suffering from intense hormonal imbalance. (I suffer from this at times ...in fact, there is this particular friend of mine who has seen me at my worst, when I can actually bite off someone's head) I know what this weather needs ...a P.M.S chocolate bar.

My pal is gonna be doing mixes today. I have found myself between a very big rock and a hard place. (does this idiom make any sense ? Isn't a rock a hard place too. I found myself between two hard places) What the hell do people do when they are in my position. I have decision to make. Making decisions like this one is not really my thing. My purpose in life ....to make all choices that end up with a high me. A high me? I love a high me. I would marry a high me. That moment when you feel like you are on cloud 20. Everyone around you becomes suddenly very humorous. A smiley face becomes your default state. Befuddled beings are happy beings. I make sure not to get to that point where I am helplessly inebriated. I don't want anybody carrying me to my bed neither do I want to wake up in anybody else's bed.

Still wondering what decision I have to make?? Well, I have a test tomorrow afternoon that I haven't really studied for. I have a fifteen page term paper to do in the next 18 hours. My pal needs my support as he does his mixes.

In fact, I am not between a rock and a hard place ...I am between an enormous rock and two hard places. This decision making process will take much much longer than I think.

Making this decision is very extremely hard, I am straining myself mentally. This isn't good for me. I am not trying to go bananas. I need to be sane. Lemme take a hot shower ...  ....

The shower ...perfect it was ...orgasmic ..... (I feel so clean, I don't even want to add clothes on my body. Are we staying nude?? Oh yes we are) but unfortunately, my head hasn't been cleared yet.

I do what I do each time I need to clear my head ....I stare at the ceiling board like a retarded girl and then take a very long deep breath, just long enough to not kill me. As soon as I breath out, my genius brain has a solution to my problem.  Study for the next two hours till I get to saturation point then I can go support my mixer friend. There ....win-win situation. As for the research ...well, the collection date has just been postponed.

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Insomnia ...bugs... my new job

Sleepless night. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! I am angry ...very very angry at my sleep. It evades when needed the most. Now I am wailing. Why can't I just sleep like a baby?! Wait ...how do babies sleep? I have been awake trying to study. I happen to have two tests in the next two. We both know what that means ...I might just be dead in the next 3 hours. Maybe I should quit school and become a runner. Why didn't I think about this earlier:-(:-(

I have been trying to at least understand this shit about integration. Why again do I study Maths?? This must have been the worst decision that I have ever made in my whole entire life. One of the many bad decisions. I just never get it right when it comes to decision making. I should get me a decision maker. That is not entirely true ...I have made some good decisions in the past that have turned out really well, really really well. In fact, you are free to envy me. For example ...partying every weekend and getting high on random days even when I have a 7 O'clock class. These happen to be the only things that I don't force myself to do.

Why again am I suffering insomnia on a day that I really want to at least close my poor eyes and rest before my test??. It is extremely cold outside and my toes are freezing....my fingers too. The socks that I am wearing ...well ....they are extremely useless. I am starting to imagine that it is my friend's place that is freezing. In case you are wondering, I spent the night at my friend's. She happens to live two minutes away from the lecture hall. I can wake up five minutes before the test. No need to shower in this cold ...I will just grow sick and the last time I checked, I happen to really hate medicine. Showering causes cold. I didn't make that up...it is a fact. Anyway, back to the main reason why I am spending at my friend's. My bed has big big big huge brown monsters that have been biting my roommate the past few days. I am beginning to think she likes being bitten. There is no other better explanation why she sleeps in that bed comfortably. I guess this is punishment for my laziness. I didn't look for a house outside school when I was supposed to and now I am being punished with bed bugs.

Those bed bugs are so fat and healthy. They bite bite bite and never stop biting. The next day when you wake up, your whole body will be itching. Then you will scratch and scratch and scratch and as you scratch, you pray that your unmentionable parts do not start itching or perverts may mistake the scratching for .....you know what I mean. (If you don't, you need to see a psychiatrist. That kind of slowness is definitely not allowed.)

At around 0300 hours, I got into bed. All I did was toss and turn. Somehow, my body has refused to generate any heat. Doctor doctor ....might I be in trouble?? No sleep and no heat on the same night. This isn't mere coincidence. The universe is definitely conspiring against me. ...and now I will conspire against it.Oh my Superman ...where at thou when I need you the most? I should have gotten a boy toy when I had the offer. Perhaps I would be the one making him cold as I take away all his warmth.

Wait a minute ....it is only 0454 hours. I am seated on a blue chair and I am dying of cold. I need another naked body. Did you know that two naked bodies generate more heat than two bodies in clothes? I just made that up. Have you noticed how my genius is a work at 0500 hours in the morning. I should consider having a night shift job. I have always wanted to be useful at night. Then again, what kind of jobs do people do at night?? They watch and watch and watch till the sun rises then they retire to bed. My retarded look can scare away any kind of hooligan and leave them disturbed for the rest if their miserable lives.

Guess who is getting a job ....Drumrolls please ....YOURS TRULY. Oh how excited I am. I will watch all of you...protect you from any evil. I will use my secret weapon ...one that is unique to only me.. MY RETARDED LOOK. I will serve you very faithfully and never let you get hurt unless my own life is in danger.

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The man with a dignified bearing.

What makes you the man??

What makes you THE man??

Someone asked this today.

Beard?

Strength?

Ego?

Is it the fact that you lack a twat?

Is it your voice? (only if you have broken it)

Is it the fact that you stare at anything dressed in a skirt?

Is it because you belong to that sex that can't have babies?

It is becoming difficult to find males who possess, in a high degree, the distinctive qualities of manhood. Someone who has manly experience of every kind. Someone who gets spurred on by dislike of being below their standards. Having the feel of self respect and personal worth.

Having an inflated idea of your importance is attractive. A bit of an inordinate self esteem. ...not to be confused with arrogance. Conceit of ones superiority that manifests itself in lofty airs.

Some things that people do cause the girl a lot of distress and worry. What is happening to the to the male species. If the girl is wrong...then she needs to change some of the people she hangs out around.

The girl has had enough male gold diggers in her life. You wonder why she looks down upon you with disfavor??

She won't mind spending ...she really has nothing to lose here...and you wonder why the she considers you her bitches. She definitely has become 'THE MAN' and you probably are her trucklers. SMH!!! Isn't this mortifying enough!!!

The tremulous excitement of chasing a girl who is impossible to catch.....I would like to think most males enjoy this. (except for those who are unaware of their sexuality)

The girl who isn't being caught is highly likely to be respected more than one who gets caught even before the chase begins. If you are a man whore and for you 'K is constant', you might take long to understand....especially because of your inverted priorities.

The trucklers ...and the girl who gets caught before the chase begins, have exactly the same indistinct notion on either sexes. (Judging from a normal person's point of view__one with self pride) I like my men with elevation of character and dignified bearing. It is time to drop my male gold diggers.

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Stress, geese, social intelligence, pampers

One of those days when I think I am stressed though I really don't know about what. I am stressed ....I am stressed ...I am stressed. No no no_all I am doing is thinking too much about nothing. I haven't been able to fart for some days. I even tried eating beans and boiled eggs. Might this be a symptom of stress. I actually thought it was a nice thing until I mentioned it to him and the paranoia kicked in. My phone does fart each time I get a text. If I start farting too, there will be so many people farting in my room. Don't forget my roommate who has to do it every morning. I am considering sleeping with a gas mask. There is very little oxygen in my room every morning. I should get a new roommate before the newspaper headlines read, "VERY GORGEOUS UNIVERSITY STUDENT IS KILLED BY ROOMMATE'S LOUD FARTS." I really fear geese. My pulse rate suddenly increases when I see them. My old man has about six of them. They are worse than dogs. They make so so much noise ...it is annoying. I have to make sure they are tightly locked up before I visit old man. Why can't old man just kill those things and eat them ...all of them. They have fat thighs and big wings... and the asses,I would totally hit that if I was a goose. I hear they are extremely sweet. Wonder why i fear them?? I was a really pretty baby at 11. In case you are wondering, I still am very pretty. My chest has grown bigger since then. That is probably the only noticeable difference since then. This white female goose chased me and bit my ass. And that is how I got scarred for the rest of my life. I used to think that was where my dimple came from but old lady confirmed that I was born with it. The only birthmark on my body. I only get to see it when I am unclothed. Have you ever gone out with your girlfriend and her friend then when you get back home the girlfriend's friend sleeps between the two of you. Social intelligence is a very rare commodity. The same friend changes how she talks around you. The American accent kicks in. What is with her need to look and sound like a genius?? Lets not talk about her top....it starts too late and ends really early. Need I mention the walking around the house naked!! A stranger would conclude that the three of you are doing each other. If I was a boy, I'd have done both of them. My jumpsuit issues have become too many. The next time I wear this thing, I will have bought myself diapers (pampers to be specific) My ass would look really big and round. I think I'll dig this look ....I am on my way to the supermarket. "Pampers on the shelves ....look sexy, Bubbles is coming for you."

Nudity

Benefits Of Nudism

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Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like .....

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The big bong and chess ....

This one guy I really found really really interesting last semester. What was so interesting about him ...The shisha bong (a very big bong, I love big bongs) that he was carrying. I liked what was in his hands. He was carrying this one thing that I really love ...this thing that makes me go bananas. I wanted that specific thing in his hand. I had to talk to him ...perhaps smile and flatter him a bit just so I could get to my number one love. I finally got my "faithful one". The mint flavor was orgasmic. That is how I love my shisha. ...and the headrush, it was just perfect. My faithful one doesn't disappoint. The drugs weren't the only things giving me a headrush. The owner(if the bong was his property) of the drugs was too. Let us call him mysterious boy. He did have the perfect haircut. He looked like a puzzle, one that I would love to solve. I love puzzles, especially when YOURS TRULY is the one solving them. Chess and mind games too- Things that make Bubbles tick. A Bubble needs a prick sometime (this is a stolen line, I hope the owner doesn't find out)

I am on a mission to solve mysterious boy. He is the new pawn on my chess board. Let me make him queen instead. I am yet to find out if this game is worth it. On a random day, I am on my way to do my a test. Mysterious boy shows up behind me, holds my waist (unfortunately, I don't have goosebumps) and he calls me "beautiful". He is a flirt. Is that a step towards the right direction?? Maybe ...maybe not. Wait a minute, he hasn't asked for my name. We just might be playing the same game here. All I need is a two minute conversation with him and I will get what I want. I don't exactly want anything. You know that feeling you get after playing chess for hours and you finally win....or that feeling you get when you solve a calculus problem that 10 of your friend's were unable to solve. Do you now have a vivid picture of exactly what I am trying to get out of this??

No name, no number ...all I can wait for is to bump into him again. The next time, he is with his two friends. Did he just describe me as intriguing?? Well well well ....we just might be playing the same game here. I would love to read his mind but no, that will be too easy. I already knew his name. He asked for mine. I feel like I am a step ahead or rather, that is what I thought.

Haha ...mysterious boy did say something really disturbing before he left. I can't even write that here. How can you possibly say a statement that has more than 5 grammatical errors. Who was your teacher for English? How do you live in peace with yourself. Not only did it have grammatical errors, I couldn't make any sense out of it. And there goes my adrenaline ....I can't play this game anymore. Mysterious boy turned out to be 'Kijana aliye na mawazo finyu' Mission aborted.

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Boredom, the drug in my closet, boy toy auditions..

Today happens to be one of those days when I am extremely bored ...really really bored. Oh my goodness, the world and everyone in it must be having a conspiracy against me. I might just die of boredom ....what a pathetic way to lose life. What to do...what to do ...what to do..... I have a blog...lemme complain to anyone who might stumble on this. Just for the record, complaining ain't my thing. In fact, I dislike people who complain about anything and everything. Complainers are very annoying people ....they whine whine whine whine and whine without stopping. They sound like buzzing bees only they don't sting. Most of the time, they usually are complaining about nothing. Why don't you just shut your big mouth and get something more important to do. Okay ....now I'm starting to sound like someone who is complaining about complainers. I have officially zipped my big mouth too.

Everyone that I can hang out with is out of school ...either I have stopped having a life or it is just my unlucky day. Maybe I should also get out of school. No...it is pretty cold out there. I just might freeze to death. I don't want to die before I actually accomplish everything on my bucket list. Out of the 23 things on that list, I have actually done 13 already. I should edit that list and add some new things. The remaining 10 look like things that I would accomplish in just one day. Am  I still bored??? I need to activate my over active imagination. Since I started doing maths, I have become more and more stupid each single day. Now I know why I gave my phone to a DJ.

Today, I actually arranged my closet. It looks so neat ...I even took photos so that I could show my old lady. She needs to be proud of her baby ...her sweet baby. Don't I just love being the last born in the family. I get get away with my obstinacy. I don't have to set an example to any little siblings. I found something in my closet ...a drug ...a very interesting drug. I would have to be feeling very malicious to actually give it to someone. Do I feel malicious?? Yes I do...yes I do... I will put this drug in my handbag as I look for my victim. Anyone I will meet today is a possible victim. Beware of my evil stare, my very evil stare...I will unleash it today. Today is the premier of bubbles' evil stare. I should probably say sorry to whoever I will disturb today.

At this point, I will start texting all the boys in my phonebook. The first text is always the same for everyone...that is just my signature way of starting a conversation. I gotta go...I'm doing auditions for a potential boy toy. Anyone interested??

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Drowning tout .

Last night I had the weirdest dream. In a matatu, we get an accident. The matatu falls into a river. Everyone is swimming to save their lives ...even the people who didn't have the slightest clue on how to float in water, like that 90 year old grandma. Somehow, they were able to swim. It's amazing what adrenaline can actually do. I was also swimming ...I was swimming..... not to save my life but was looking for the tout. He had my change and I wanted it. Well...I woke up after that, I didn't have the chance to finish the dream.

The whole morning, I have been wanting to know what became of me and my greedy self. So, I have decided to finish the dream while I am awake. This is what happened ...I swam, swam, swam and swam looking for the tout. Where the hell is this tout ....I need my money back. The tout is nowhere to be seen. Am I ever gonna get my money back?? Perhaps I should start crying. Wailing sounds even better. It has been long since I actually wailed nicely to satisfaction. You all should try wailing in the woods ...I promise you that no wolves will catch you or even notice you are around unless you sound like one. If a wolf catches you, there is only one thing that you can do to get rid of it and become a ninja the next day ....here it is......wait for it....keep waiting .....EMBRACE THE COWARD IN YOU AND RUN ....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ....YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. The wolf will eat you...then leave the rest of you to vultures. Are you scared yet??

At this point, only your feeble legs and the existing coward in you will save you. Lesson learnt ....you will be very stupid if you actually go wailing in the woods. The only people who can go wailing in the woods are those who have kinship with the animal world ...I have quite a number of those friends ...and I ain't hinting.

Well well well ...the tout is still missing. This is not good. Wait a minute, that dude over there who is almost drowning looks like a tout. Swimming towards him to save his life so I can have my money back. The poor guy cannot swim. I should hurry and save his life. He needs me..he needs my help. This is my one and only chance to be a heroin. I hope someone with a camera passes by and captures this life changing moment on video. I am going to be a goodwill ambassador. This will be the most heroic time of my life...forget about the time that I actually beat my old man in chess ...and the time I chased a dog that was supposed to be chasing me.

Did I catch the tout?? Yes I did. Did I get my money?? Hell no. Well ...hoping to get coins from a drowning man is the most stupid thing that someone can try doing. Was that moment recorded??? Sadly it wasn't. I guess I'll have to cling on to that time when I chased a dog. That was so badass ...

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OH NO...NOT AGAIN ...I WILL BITE SOMEONE'S HEAD ...

Oh dear ...NOT AGAIN

Pre-menstrual meltdown grips me once more

As my hands grow claws and my loved ones run for deep cover

I take a moment before biting someone's head off

I need to grab a PMS chocolate bar

It should be made with the best happy soothing ingredient around and taste so good that my most acid complaints will be soothed into bliss

The next time the all black widow descends upon me, I can take a chocolate bar and smile or tell all the idiot men to run ...............

RUN LIKE HELL ....

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My dad owns a matatu that is nicknamed 'prado'

The sender of these texts is a poser. These texts were sent to a very good friend of mine. When I saw this boy, I actually thought he was a nice catch. I saw him from far and  the only thing that I noticed was the awesome haircut. I have a thing for guys who are just from the barber. They were seated with my friend_the reciever of the texts. I was on my way to town. I said hi to them and left. My friend said she was 'busy' and couldn't stay with them for long. That must have been the most traumatic date of her entire life. She left in less than 10 minutes. The poser was there with a friend of his. The poser then asked his friend, "Do you have keys to the prado?" This is a very normal statement that should not be funny. In fact, if you are laughing, you should pay daily visits to the psychiatrist because your mental illness is worsening without any doubt.

I got to the stage and took my matatu to town. I sat at the front so I could control the music. Just before the matatu left, I saw the 'prado' boys getting into the same matatu that I was in. OMG....HAVE THE POOR BOYS BEEN CARJACKED...LMFAO...haha. ...or perhaps this matatu looks like a prado. Do they even know how a prado looks like??? Perhaps prados in their place look like matatus....or the dad owns a matatu that he has nicknamed 'prado'...... hehe hoho hihi huhu haha. About his accent ....he talked like someone who was born and grew up neither in Africa nor Asia. ...and what he writes (smh) ...his teacher for English would be very disappointed and if he won't be, he should be behind bars for messing up his language.

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING TEXTS ALOUD WHILE  HOLDING YOUR NOSTRILS TIGHT. (don't hold too tight...you might just kick the bucket)

Aint uu' in a gud

mood for a

''holla back''

thot we'd ctch up..buh i don wana push it.

Nanytt!

Oy'

fancy face,

so we plott

sumthn? :)

Seemz u don wna say hi to me.huh?

Coo'

l8r! :p

Coo'

wenyu thru fresh'n up

lemmi kn'aw

hmph!

ain't u like suppostah practise a lil hospitality,since am in yo zone..show yo sleepy say, say elow o' sumthn :)

whr yo crib at exackly?

hehe..cee u come pick me up,my bam is gettin a lil bit tired of sitt'n! Uu shoul' tour me aroun' to yo hideout:)

Yeah.tho am thru lrdy, my hommez iz the wan am chillen to finish gett'n pimp'd.

Wake up lazy bum :p

kwani u pulled an all.nighter? Lol.

Yhupp,

ths endz of the barber.wana swing by say hi?

IF YOU LOVE TEXTING IN PERFECT ENGLISH AND HATE POSERS TOO, I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND ME.

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On a boring day ....

Today has probably been the most boring uneventful day of my life. I have never felt this useless. I even tried playing angry birds and sudoku to  make myself feel useful. If you really want to know...it didn't work. I woke up at 0700 hrs which is an achievement for me. A very big achievement. I am telling you, that was an outstanding performance. I deserve a clap, then an award, then someone famous should write a song about me and another famous singer sings the song and finally the heroin of the tale (me) becomes the star in the video. I hope you now imagine how hard I struggle to wake up. Anytime I wake up early, I feel like an overachiever.

All I have done today is waking up, eating a pear, eating a banana, taking black tea (I kinda become lactose intolerant in every morning), watched t.v, had lunch, watched t.v some more. Pictured myself in Kimora's shoes. ....the rest of the day is pretty unproductive. I can't wait for my  sister to get back from work and tell me all about her interesting workmates. I hope today's story will be funny ...I really need somebody to make me laugh laugh my ass off. (if things were taken literally and all the girls in the world laughed their asses off, all men would have probably moved to Mars or Venus.

My uncle's driver is quite the drunkard. He is also very generous with money. He calls me on this boring day. I have 59 seconds to decide whether I should pick that call or not. I should just have a glass of wine ...it is really good for digestion. No no no...alcohol is definitely not good for me. It makes people suffer from liver cyrrhosis (I ain't sure about the spelling) ...I need to get high then I stop getting bored. I'll get liver cyrrhosis then I'll die. Alcohol will make me happy. Noo...Alcohol might make me pregnant and I'll probably not like the father of the baby. Oh guardian angel, where are you when I really need your help???

Wait a minute ....drinking with moderation is not bad. It is responsible drinking and I have a designated driver. Do I?? This dude is gonna drink with me!!!! Who the hell is gonna drive me home?? I fear for my life. I ain't gonna drink. Am I really missing this great chance of somebody actually buying me drinks during this tough economic times??? ....What the hell...I am gonna drink. You only live once_that's the motto_nigga YOLO¡¡ and I got it everyday.

Today everything is on driver, the drinks are on driver, the club, the music, the waiters all free. Driver is definitely sent from heaven. Lemme pick the call now ...I officially want to drink.

O_o 4 missed calls from driver. I must have spent too much time thinking that I didn't notice my phone ringing all that time.

WHAT THE HELL ...i'll just stay at home, switch off the lights, call my neighbour and watch a horror movie with him as we eat my popcorn and hold hold each other every time there is a scary scene.  Whoever thinks I don't have a life, you can hang yourself with tissue paper ....it is very effective btw. I doesn't leave any bruises on your neck and nobody will know what you did because you won't lose your life and won't want anyone to know the story between you and tissue. Next time you wanna commit suicide ...tissue paper is the way to go.

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KICHAPO CHA JIBWA ..wailing..

Old man is gone ....oh yeah he is gone and he is not coming back ....not coming back anytime soon. He has taken one of those trips where you spend more than 10 hours in air. OMG...the jetlag after that...I only hope old man can handle it ....handle it with grace. Old lady is gone too. She ain't gonna be back anytime soon ....even better, she calls to say that she has extended her stay in that country she had visited. Ain't I the  luckiest teenager alive?

Its time to party....hoooray:-) Tonight everything is on me, the drinks are on me, the bitches, the house, the servants all free. We gonna party all night ...no sleep. ...weed and cold drinks__that is the mother fucking recipe.

Texting everyone on the phone ....making sure I get a delivery note for each. Texting is really hard ...my  thumb extremely hurts. I NEED A THUMB MASSAGE NOW....WHERE ARE YOU MASSEAUSE...my thumb needs you asap. Well, I leave to get drinks. I come back and realise there is no change in the house. It is just like I left it. My friends start arriving. The drinking begins. I like this girls ....they are all light weights. They do save me quite a good amount of money. The boys on the other hand!!! Don't this  burgers have livers that complain?!! I incur losses because of them. We drink and drink and drink and drink and drink .....the drinking continues and continues and continues and continues and continues without stopping. TIME ISN'T WASTED WHEN YOU ARE GETTING WASTED.

This is what I should be singing in the morning "That party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it. I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked" .....wait...I should rephrase that ...................... no......I actually had a girl completely naked. "Drink my beer and smoke my weed, but my good friends is all I need ...pass out at three, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again. I love being home alone" Isn't Asher Roth just the perfect definition of a genius.

Just when I was on my level, the music went off, then everyone went quiet, then there were footsteps coming towards the living room. My two friends accompanied by someone. I was officially dead....very dead.

BIG DADDY?!?!! HE MISSED HIS FLIGHT and came back home. Now I am deader. If old lady were here, I would be deadest.

Who feels like getting into trouble with me?? Nobody ...well ....no_body. You all should remember to act like that when I ask "Who wants to get high??"

Was I grounded HELL NO...THIS AIN'T AMERICA. I was given KICHAPO CHA JIBWA. My ass was too sore, it wouldn't let me sit. I spent the rest of the week sleeping on my tummy ...it even became flat.

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Sherlock Holmes in action.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

went on a camping trip. After a

good meal and a bottle of wine

they lay down for the night, and

went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke

and nudged his faithful friend

awake. “Watson, look up at the

sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions

and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” Holmes

questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that

there are millions of galaxies and

potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that

Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I

deduce that the time is

approximately a quarter past

three. Theologically, I can see

that God is all powerful and that

we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that

we will have a beautiful day

tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute,

then spoke. “Watson, you idiot.

Someone has stolen our tent.“

Source: http://www.twd.in/jokes/

tag/intelligent-jokes

*****

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The "pharmacist"

Why is there so much  cooking on television?? This is just bad news. All that food looks so so so yummy. Damn...finger licking chicken. Perhaps I should learn how to cook other things apart from black tea. That way, I won't be jealous of all those cooks on t.v.

Anyway, I was actually in the middle of something before I got distracted by the food. I'm single again...I am a free bird. I am a free bird ...omg, this is really amazing...extremely amazing. I have just realized how awesome this is. I love being a free bird. I wanna hit on all the hot boys that I see on the road. Eye candy ...yum yum yum. I think I just saw the awesome ...most awesome thing in my life...that haircut ....wow ....omg ... I have this thing for neat haircuts...they drive me crazy.

"Hey, I wanna hook you up with this guy.  He is light, goodlooking, does pharmacy, nice haircut, got lots of money, young and interesting"

That was how my friend described the guy that I was suppossed to date  next. Why hasn't she said hot and sexy??

I really don't like hook ups. I can get my own boys and sometimes, it gets really awkward when what you were told is not exactly what you get to see. The pharmacist was given my number. I gotta admit, he sounded really great on phone. I didn't wanna have my hopes up. Its like talking to a stranger in Facebook who has Nick Canon as his profile picture and has really interesting updates. He is very vocal and kinda funny. When you get his number, he got all the interesting things to say...you are almost falling in love with him. You can't wait for his texts. When you actually meet him zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Really....how can you be so funny via text and in real life you are.....I really don't have a word to use. Please stop googling texts that are funnier than you.

On a Friday, I'm invited for lunch. I show up for lunch and I meet my friend there. Well well well ....my friend wasn't alone. She was with an elderly man. They were waiting for me so that lunch can be eaten. Me?? What has this old man got to do with me?? He almost looks as old as my old lady's husband.

They did have grapes on the table. The grapes didn't taste really sweet...they were bitter. That was a bunch of really angry grapes...they didn't want nobody to eat them. I say hi to the elderly guy. When he says who he is.....I first get shocked, then a little traumatized, then dumdfounded. Now I just wanna disappear in thin air.

What the hell!!!! This totally doesn't look like the voice on phone. What did I get myself into. And  why does my friend have a forty year old friend. Having a forty year old friend is not bad but a girl of my age having a forty year old man friend buying her lunch and flirting with her is just wrong and very unacceptable. He has a paunch...a big paunch ...bigger than my old lady's husband!!! Now I'mgetting really scared for myself. Is he also loosing hair?? I look at my friend with the  look of -are-you-sure-i-am-in-the-right-place-. Oh my goodness ...is he really asking me to stay and eat. My boobies ...he is staring at my boobies!!! How can a forty year old man stare at 20 year old boobies very shamelessly. Doesn't he have a wife?? This is so embarrassing ...my calculus lecturer is here. Oh Jesus ...save me now. Why is he forcing me to stay behind for a drink!!! I  tried saying I was sick. He said he could prescribe me the right medication. I said I needed to go to town. He said he was headed there and would give me a lift. A lift?? Maybe he is a kidnapper. I am getting high blood pressure. Call 911 now. My life was officially over.

When I finally was able to leave, my friend follows and asks "Is he that ugly??"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!"

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Mummy had weed###

It is the most boring Saturday of my life. What to do .........what to do.......what to do. Omg ...I have no idea. This is officially the worst day of my life...I really wanna die right now. Wait a minute .....I can visit my friend. They have lots of free expensive alcohol. Do I want to get high?? Yes I do. Yes I do. Yes I do.

I get  to my pal's. I sit on Chooch. Chooch is the name of my favourite couch at my friend's house. He is the second softest, most comfortable, sexiest thing that I have ever put my magnificent ass on.

I switch on the television to watch Khloe and Lamar....boooooooriiiing.....yaaaawwwwwnnnn. With Chooch right below my ass, I was totally gonna sleep. He was so comfortable. Just when I wanna close my eyes, I saw  Jack Daniels. Jack always takes me to cloud 20 just as I love it. After taking a few sips, I got this extremely genius idea. I think that is the most genius thing that I have ever thought of.

My pal had weed in the house. Making weed pancakes would have been so awesome. That is exactly what my genius brain had thought of. You can come for tips on how to be genius. We made the delicious sweet yummy yum yum pancakes.

Just after we were done, someone very unexpected showed up. The Mrs of the house. Lucky for us, we had returned Jack where we had found him. What are we gonna do to the pancakes?? Should we eat all of them?? Should we hide them in the oven?? Does she know the smell of weed?? Omg ....she is walking towards the kitchen. We have officially been caught. We are in trouble. We are so so dead... even deader. Start saying hallo to your creator. Maybe we were joining him in the next few minutes or seconds...I hope it ain't micro seconds.

She finally got to the kitchen. She always thinks that I am dating the son. At some point, I wanted him so bad but then he had a girl and I didn't wanna be a homewrecker. I couldn't stand being "that bitch". We kinda became really close friends...something I thought is ultimately impossible. I stopped wanting to misbehave with him.

How the big MUM got to the kitchen so fast before we could hide the pancakes, I still don't understand. Technically, we weren't doing anything wrong, we were having 'soda' and making 'pancakes'. Pancakes were mum's favourite. Mum was really happy to see us cooking.

MUM decided to taste the pancakes. Omg ...they were so sweet and tasty and yummy, she couldn't have enough of it. She ate six pancakes out of twelve. Poor MUM...we were all traumatized about what was gonna happen. It was 2200 hrs. What had we done?? The poor lady might just go crazy. How can she not know the sweet smell of weed.

It really didn't take long. Mum was getting all her dirty laundry. We were just watching her. She took all the laundry to the washrooms. She then went to the son's bedroom, took all his laundry and went to the washrooms. She then went to the househelp's room, took all the dirty laundry and finally felt like she was ready to start washing. She didn't even want to use the machine. She washed washed and washed and washed until she finished washing. 

We thought she would sleep after....but no no no...we were so wrong. Totally wrong. She took the mopper and mopped the whole house. She then washed all the dishes after that. The energy was still there. If Dad was around, we would have been in juvenile cell right now barefoot with really weird kids and hoping we won't have to shower.

After the dishes, she took a long bath. Thank goodness...I got time to run away. Did she ever sleep, I don't know. I just remember about the fatigue she was complaining about the next morning. The house was so clean, she wondered what had gotten into the son for him to do all the laundry. #smh

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how to lose phones

Losing a phone is very easy if you do exactly what I did.

I had my first phone when I was twelve. I was very happy and excited at that point. I was the third person in my family to own a phone. Even my older siblings did not have phones. Let's just say that I was daddy's favourite. Are you jealous yet? I know you are. You can come get lessons on how to be daddy's favourite...just like yours truly. Since I was not allowed to have Arnold in school, I'd leave him with my brother. As I was going to do my hair, I carried Arnold to the salon so I could spend a few more hours with him. I put him in my pockets and went to the salon. When I got to the salon, Arnold was missing. Where had my baby gone?? I started crying and wailing. None of those noises brought back Arnold. After doing my hair, I went home, wore my uniform and went to the car. When everyone was in the car and we were on our way to school, I told my old lady,"I have left my phone under my pillow, please take  care of it" If only she knew.

I got Chuchu after that. I loved Chuchu coz I bought her with my own money that I had conned from daddy. One fine night, I attended sexy Saturday. Imagine I didn't taste any alcoholic drink. I hope you are clapping for me right now for my good behavior. On the dance floor, the music was totally awesome, I got high on music and danced and danced and danced. I was almost getting some of my clothes off coz I was on heat ...literally. By the time I stopped being on heat, Chuchu was already taken away from me. I have been never been so sad. Though I continued dancing, I started mourning as soon as I got home. Rest in peace Chuchu.

I met Eduardo afterwards. He happened to be a present from my sister. I didn't like him coz he was ugly. I got relieved when he was stolen in a matatu as I was going to school.

Pinky was the prettiest that I ever had. Well, I never lost this one. I gave her to my brother.

In exchange, my sweet brother gave me Nick. Nick was the hottest and sexiest. Well well well...he lasted only three months. I gave him to a D.J. Don't look at me that way, he was hot and was playing really awesome music.

I got Boo after that. I only liked Boo coz he was blue and was a product of bonga points. Boo survived only a week.

Since I wasn't too attached to Boo, I traded him for Tori. Tori was super sexy but extremely noisy. I still have Tori. She has survived me for 8 months. Tori has been really lonely so I decided to get her Toot. I am teaching them how to be best friends and overlook their differences. Toot tends to be really smart that Tori gets intimidated coz of her stupidity. All I need to do is to find a way to make them connect and I'll be good to go:-) With Toot and Tori in love, they will be   invincible.

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Video: 2 Chains - 'Stunt' (feat. Meek Mill)

Video: 2 Chains - 'Stunt' (feat. Meek Mill)

Did I have too much? Yes I did. Yes I did.

It's Friday, I got only one paper to go and happens to be a very easy paper. I can actually party and still be ready for my paper on Monday afternoon. I attend my friend's graduation party during the day. That was a nice thing I did because I felt really inspired after that. The fact that she already had jobs made ditch the idea of trying to quit school. (This had crossed my mind when I was doing my sociology paper. Most of it was like history and unfortunately, I really suck at anything that has too much theory)

At 1900hrs, my pal sent me a text telling me we should go drink. I got into comfortable shoes and ran as fast as my feeble legs could carry me. Wait....ok....I didn't run, I just walked really fast. At least I was making more than thirty steps a minute. I walk slowly because I always try to take the shortest route. With the school map in my head, I only have calculations to do.

I meet my pals halfway. I am happy because I got company all the way but they in the other hand had a different agenda why they met me halfway. Here's why.... My golddigger 'boyfriend' was around. I had not seen him or even heard from him for almost four months. My life was just starting to get well after recovery of that ordeal. Why the hell did he have to show up. My pals convinced me to go and told me all will be well. I walked the rest of the way murmuring 'all iz well' to myself hoping it would work.

When I got there, all was not well. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone was telling me 'golddigger is here' I could hear people shouting in capital letters inside my head 'GOLDDIGGER GOLDDIGGER RUN FOR YOUR LIFE' Why is that very scary statement repeating itself. Oh my goodness, I'm gonna get into a trance. I might just faint. Call me a hot male nurse. I might just need CPR. I turn my head and I meet my nightmare face to face. I don't want to say hi. I have to say hi. Should I shake his hands, I might just catch golddigging disease. What will happen to my poor soul after I catch the abominable disease?? Oh goodness, my life is officially in danger. I am dead.

Did I say hi? Yes I did, yes I did. I definitely deserve a clap for that. I said hi....I'll say that a lot coz I feel like it is a huge step in my life....I said hi. I hope you get the point now. After saying hi, I bought my 400ml vodka and my energy drink. I drank it and drank till I finished it. Did I finish it? Yes I did. Yes I did. 

Things were still not looking pretty. Do I need more 'V ions'?? Yes I do Yes I do. My nightmare wasn't looking any better. Another 400ml for me. People now start looking pretty. I drink more so that I can see people at their prettiest. My pals left to go sleep. Lucky for me, they left with my nightmare. I stayed behind, there was some event and I thought it would be nice to dance a little. Was kinda long since I shook my ass. When the DJ played the song that I liked, I was so excited that I rewarded him with my phone. I was in love with the DJ. Yes I was. Yes I was.

O_o that party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it. I danced my ass off and gave a DJ my phone. Wait ....whaaaat.....what did I do??? My phone is really gone.  .....and I gave it to a DJ!! Who does that?  I'm in deep shit with old lady. I better start coming up with a believable lie.   

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Sleep is a bitch

Oh my goodness. I am suffering from a serious case of insomnia. Even with the good relationship I have with my bed, sleep is still a bitch. I think it is high time I got treatment ......if I really love my life. All these nocturnal habits are driving me nuts. I envy the people who are actually asleep. I'm scratching my head thinking about what I will do to it tomorrow. Should I get another haircut??? I can't plait my hair. No way....plaiting doesn't make my hair look good. It takes so long to plait. My ass will get stiff and tired and eventually stop bouncing. I love me a bouncing booty. I want my booty bouncing. I also don't want to sit down so much, my ass might just flatten. Something I would rather not imagine.

Everyone in this house is asleep. I wonder what they are dreaming about. Maybe there is a night runner outside. The guy I was texting has unfortunately gone to bed. Now I am all alone in this world that should totally be feared only because it's ground can decide to swallow you any minute. I feel like doing something fishy but I might just get into trouble. Oh yes...I should totally do naked yoga. Nobody is gonna see me except the darkness. I just remembered that there was yoghurt in this house. Since I will be the last to wake up, I'm highly likely to find nothing left for me. People in this house always seem to forget about the baby. Lemme go hide the yoghurt so that nobody finishes it for me.

Today in town I got a stomach upset. I really think it was that chicken that I had eaten for lunch. The chicken was so very extremely delicious. I walked to the nearest chemist to get at least something to reduce the pain. That pharmacist gave me anti malarial drugs. I still don't understand how that was gonna cure my upset. I sent my sister to the same chemist just to get anti acids so I could relax a little.

What is gonna happen to me in future. Perhaps I should stop living one minute at a time and get a little bit more serious with my life....you know, start living one day at a time. I see myself living in a house with my kids. I can't see a husband. Does that mean I will grow old alone and lonely. This thought is very disturbing. Somebody please marry me now. I ain't under age in case you are wondering. I choose to think positively. Yes, positive thinking is the way to go.

0133 hours .....really #!! Is the time also against me. Why isn't morning here yet. I need to see the sun rising and perhaps get more constructive thoughts. Did you know that there are more chickens than people in the world? I bet you didn't...and...wait for it...boom goes the dynamite ...I am a genius...I am a genius.  I wanna do a happy dance but I can't. I'm actually doing it in my head.

The darkness really inconveniences me. It shows up at all the wrong times, when I totally lack sleep. What the hell is darkness? Is it the opposite of light or the absence of light. Isn't English sometimes just complicated #smh. Darkness is only but the absence of light. I would like to explain this using facts but I am too tired and I'm pretty sure that question will not come in a test.

I have been running around all day and now I need a full body massage. There is nobody to give me a massage :-( This is a tragedy.  Officially, it is the worst night since my folks even thought of conceiving the beautiful me. How can the universe be asleep when I need it most. What the hell, I will massage myself. This is turning out to be a disaster. I am no ninja :-( This is a tragedy. Somebody call for help before I hurt myself trying to massage myself. Can somebody please hear me out :-(  I'm just gonna close my eyes and sleep like a baby.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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THE BOY and scary mommy

THE BOY is one of the most interesting characters that I have ever met. He is a little bit of a weed head. He is nice company only when you want to party. When you feel like studying, just block his number or else you will be getting all retakes or supplementaries. He has a way of convincing anyone to do shit.

One fine afternoon, he stole his mother's car. He picked up his friends. Five boys, in their second year of high school, driving without a license and going to drink. I'll make sure I'll watch my kids like a hawk. Since most of them had curfews at that age, they went drinking during the day. Mark was to be home by 1600hrs before mommy got back from work. The drinking became too good and unfortunately, it was time to go home. Unfortunately, the designated driver was too drunk to drive and the clock read 1555hrs. One of the pals had to drive the drunk boys home. They drove into THE BOY's compound, carried him out of the car and put him right outside the door of mommy's house. They knocked the door and ran away before getting caught by scary mommy. Fortunately, it was the cousin who opened the door. THE BOY went straight to bed with the cousin's help.

Finally, it was time for dinner. Scary mommy is the one who wakes THE BOY up for dinner. He happens to be very unresponsive. Just like any other mother, mommy was worried. She thinks her son is sick and in danger. She called her neighbors to help her carry the heavy and sick boy to the car. That car was driven to hospital at 2100hrs. The boy was taken to see the doctor. It didn't take long before the doctor uncovered what the actual problem is. THE BOY had actually insisted that he had drunk only coke.

Doctor doctor called mommy mommy and told on baby baby...#snitch. The slap he got from mommy made him see stars ...white stars...very white stars. How he regained soberness and was able to walk all the way to the car steadily is still a mystery that I am trying to uncover. Wish me success. By the way, mommy had a very gigantic palm he felt a very annoying ringing in the ear for the next few seconds . Every mommy should be given gigantic hands....in case the babies go bananas. 

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Pool pervert.

I went swimming. Something I do about 10 times in one decade. I have a serious case of hydrophobia, it is very serious, extremely serious, very very serious. I hope you now get the point. I fear especially large pools of cold water. Despite my fear, I do shower everyday...just in case you were wondering. I went swimming at this hotel in my hometown. When I got to the hotel, I saw so many people that I used to know from somewhere. I studied with some when I was in primary school. I went to the same Sunday school with others. I was a pretty awesome Sunday school baby. It was awesome seeing them again and knowing that they were fine. I'm unfortunately not so good with names. Why do I remember names of people who don't remember me then I don't remember names of people who actually remember me.

I wanted to run away. There was at least one person I remembered at every corner. As I got into the pool area, I was praying hard that only one or even none remembers me. I was trying so hard to avoid walking around the pool saying hi to long lost people. I was dressed in very bright colors and didn't want to attract any attention. 

Since the changing room was closest to me, I got inside and started looking at myself in the mirror. I had a tough decision to make ....should I get out or just stay inside here till everyone I remember goes away.

Sometimes when I am alone, I make faces or even talk to myself. This particular day, I was doing both. I was rehearsing how the conversation might go with each person that I remembered especially if we had nothing in common. I especially wanted to make sure that I say nothing that will make them know that I can't remember their names.

"Hey, wassup:-)"

"Good afternoon."

"How are you doing?"

"You look familiar, do you remember me from somewhere?"

"Hey I remember you from primary school."

"Hey sexy, you have grown so hot:-)"

"You look so different from the last time I saw you."

"I know you ...your voice didn't sound like that back then:-)"

"Omg....you are still so short, I should get you fertilizer:-)"

"Do you remember hitting on me back then?"

This was becoming interesting. I thought those were pretty cool conversation starters. I came to realise later that some of them would have just landed me a blow on my nose. I couldn't imagine walking around with a bulbous nose. As I was still practising my hot starter lines, I got the courage to strip and get into my costume.

Just when I was almost stack naked, I heard him say, "you know, I've always liked you you since back then."

What did I just hear? Am I dreaming? I just heard a man's voice or was it a boy......maybe lady man is here!! What is he doing in a lady's changing room? Oh my goodness, I'm naked, almost stack naked. Should I cover my face of my punani? A stranger just saw my stuff :-( Omg, I am gonna collapse. Somebody call an ambulance. Get a hot doctor to give me CPR. I wish I had magic.

I breathed in and out, in and out, in and out. "Wait there" I pulled up my trousers up, fastened my belt, fastened my bra, walked up to him and held his balls. "Do you want me to pinch these lovely babies with my lovely long nails?" At least I didn't have to tell him to get out. He was already hot on his heels. He had an ass...lol. To everyone, lemme know if you want your balls pinched :-)

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Tiny "small man"

This is about a pal of mine. I thought this was too funny and sad too. I've been calling her the whole day trying to get her to let me blog this. Finally she said yes but with one condition, she has to edit it before I post it.

My pal was in this school where she took only three hours of afternoon classes everyday. There was this cute guy in her class. She always looked forward to class so she could see the guy. He was tall and funny. They would hang out a lot after class. With time, they developed chemistry.

My pal is quite blessed in all the right areas. She is so sexy with a perfect figure. She had so many boys chasing after her. You would want to tap her if you saw her. Eye candy:-)

They used to text a lot and post mushy mushy things on each other's Facebook walls. That there was pretty annoyingly annoying. Some day after class, he invited her to his place.

The events that happened after they got to his place .....

She thought she was going for coffee. The poor innocent girl. They got to his place. He went to change his T-shirt. He also put something in his pocket. If you get the flow of my story, you probably know what he put in the pocket. Just when she had made herself comfortable. She thought coffee was on it's way because she had seen the househelp on her way to the kitchen. He went in with a black T-shirt and came out with a white one.

She had already found a comfort zone when she was asked to stand up and they were leaving. Leaving to???.....she didn't know. No coffee :-(...the poor girl.

Where they went, haha, lol....small room. Bedsitter that belonged to his friend. They get into into the house. Loud music is put on. He starts kissing her. Sadly, he was a pathetic kisser. What the hell was that he was doing with his teeth!!!! I think he even bit her. Her lips were swollen the next day. He removed her top, did some stuff to her boobies. She had hickies all over...was he biting her!!! In no time, all her clothes were off and they did the 'do' and the awkwardness kicked in.

This is a little bit funny and sad. My pal was a virgin. After the 'do', she was still a virgin. This leaves me with a lot of questions that I prefer not to ask. 

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Jay, Stewart and bitchy Candy

I met Jay when I joined baby class. I was 3 and he was 4. We became really good friends. He used to feed me sometimes. He was short cute and light. That same year, I met Stewart. He was short, chubby and chocolate. He also used to help me eat. In case you are wondering why I needed help to eat, here is the reason ...I didn't see the need when all the food ended up in the toilet.  They would tell me that if I didn't eat, they wouldn't be my boyfriend. I thought boyfriend's were people who help girls...just as mommy had told me. I was not ready to lose helpers.  They would pick up my spoon and feed me.

Candy was one of my girlfriend's. The four of us were friends for the next few years. Candy was chubby with a cute baby face.

I grew really fond of Jay. In my fourth year of primary school, we were really close friends.

Candy had a thing for both Jay and Stewart. Jay had a thing for me. Stewart had a thing for me. I had a thing for Jay. Jay and Stewart were best friends. Candy and I were enemies. I don't know what I ever did to Candy, she was so so so so so so bitchy to me that year. She would laugh at me when I got into trouble. Poor me. It is actually a miracle that I survived the bitch. 

There's this weekend that I spent almost all my time with Jay. (Where the hell was my mum when I was doing all these??) Jay asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited, I said YES:-) I have a very vivid picture of that day. What I didn't know is the scandal that awaited me in school. I was gonna have a very long week.

I was kinda the 'it girl', everyone wanted to know what was happening to me. I was the trendsetter. Girls in my class would ask for my opinion before doing anything. If I said no, they would put an end to what they were planning.

We had two streams in school. I was in blue. Jay, Stewart and Candy were in red. In the middle of Tuesday's class meeting, I was called to go to red. Somehow everyone in red was waiting for me. There must have been a juicy story that involved me. I felt like a celebrity trying to avoid papparazi...lol.

Here is what was happening ....

Candy went to her class teacher and said, "Sarah is Jay's girlfriend. Stewart sent Sarah a red rose flower. Jay kissed Sarah on Sunday."

I still fail to understand what wrong I had done. Since when do people get into trouble for kisses and roses :-( Everything revolved around me. I still don't understand how everything became a class issue. I stood to Joel's right while Candy stood to his left. Joel was Candy's teacher. It was like a court house. I still was wondering what I had done till when Jay said that I had done no mistake. When I was asked if I received a rose, I denied it. When I was asked if I kissed Jay, I said no. That's because Jay asked me not to say yes. When I was asked if. Jay was my boyfriend, I kept quiet and started crying. I didn't know that crying would mean no. The case was closed due to lack of evidence and witnesses. I left the class smiling after Jay winked at me. Poor Candy, she changed schools just because she could not stand not being popular. Jay kissed me again that day coz I didn't say anything to get us into trouble. He also walked me home, bought me candy and did my homework which I corrected almost everything afterwards. Stewart remained single and lonely. The poor boy. By the way, all of Candy's accusations were true. She spent so much time spying on me.  

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Joan or John???? LADY MAN :-)

Joan ...a short dark lady. Round headed, had a moustache, some 'whiskers'. She was very fit. She used to run every morning and had biceps made of solid iron. She shaved her hair bald and had red eyes. She pretty much had unnoticeable boobies and her ass was almost flat. To add salt to injury, she wore male pants. I'm pretty sure you got an almost vivid image in your head. Don't you just think she should have been called John. If this was a puzzle, John would have made a perfect finish. I think her name was John when she was born then she probably discovered that she had a "Kitty cat" later in life. ....and Oh My Goodness, lady man got scary toe nails. Not even one year of pedicure would help.

Lady man was our househelp when I was 6. At 6, I had just joined my first year of primary school. I was this pretty chubby little daughter of my old lady. Well, she was pretty young and sexy then.  

I lived near school. It was a walking distance. When John first showed up at my house, I was sure she was male.  Don't blame me, you would have thought the same if you were in my shoes.

Everyday, I would get a ride to school on lady man's back. Her back was just as comfortable as my bed. My shoes were polished so well, I could almost see my reflection. I was always the neatest girl in school every morning. As she dropped me at the school gate, she would say, "Rudi nyumbani ukiwa mchafu ...utajua mimi ni nani..." She would then move her index finger across her neck and widen her red eyes. I would have nightmares just coz of that look. Other kids would see her and walk two metres away from her. I would then run as fast as my feeble legs could carry me to the washrooms before I had the chance to pee on myself. The whole day I would not play at all. If I play, I get dirty, if I get dirty, lady man will cut off my throat, if lady man cuts off my throat, I die, If I die, I won't get the chance to kiss hot boy when I turn 11. 

On a beautiful Saturday, lady man would clean the house thoroughly. We would be kicked out of the house before the cleaning was done. Those worst part was getting back into the house. Only clean kids were allowed inside. Lady man wanted to make us shower from outside so that we could get inside the house when we are sparkling clean. She would carry our nude bodies into the house. She had a long long lllllllooooonnnnngggggg cane in her manly hands. She would use it on anyone who refused to shower. Just before I removed my clothes, my old lady showed to save the day. With the cane in lady man's hand and my unstoppable yelling and wailing, old lady had enough evidence to fire lady man. I wonder how she used to carry me....I was a heavy and round little baby...and I mean rround.

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I got no title

I feel like crap today. My old lady is around and she tends to get really noisy sometimes. Don't get me wrong,  I love my old lady, I just don't like the noise she makes. She would make the most annoying parrot. She woke me up at 0600hrs to do laundry. That was 5 hours earlier than my usual wake up time. I ain't lazy, I just have a serious case of insomnia. How can she wake me up exactly two hours after I had slept. I felt like I was in military camp. The annoying part is that, she stood there looking at me and pulling off my blanket until I got out of bed.

I have no inspiration today. I feel like a cabbage. Someone should hit my head, I need to know whether I still have a brain.

The weather is totally fucked up. I can't get out of this house. Thank goodness old lady is at work. I would have gone bananas. One day I will pretend to have gone bananas but I need to work on my pathetic acting skills.

I am all alone in my bedroom. I am really cold. I don't think the warmth my duvet is providing is enough. I wanna cuddle a little. I hate being the small kid in the family. I can't bring my 'boyfriend' at home just because my brother and sister have never brought anyone of theirs home. The last time I brought a boy home, I was asked whether I wanted to get married. If only my old lady knew the guy was two years younger than me.

I was in hospital earlier today. I am not sick ...I have a very strong immune system. Something got into my sister's eye. We hoped the thing would go away but instead it got worse. Nobody felt like taking a matatu to hospital. My genius brother called my old lady and told her that my sister was having convulsions. He shouldn't have done that. Old lady showed up with a government vehicle in exactly two and a half minutes.

I randomly decide to see a dentist. My teeth have been a little sensitive lately. Perhaps I should stop kissing. Since there was no queue, I opened the door to see the doctor. I saw the doctor. I saw him and he saw me too. Yes he saw me and He stared at me with an I-will-beat-you-to-death expression on his face. The expression on my face ...naughty-naughty-getting-a-little-something-something.  Before I actually get killed, this is what I saw. The nurse was buttoning her top. The doctor had lipstick on his cheeks. And the nurse's hair ....oh my goodness ....you can only imagine. All I can tell you is that I didn't get my teeth checked and I closed the door very tight behind me. I tried peeping but sadly, that door had no holes.

Lemme just sleep and imagine myself cuddling. I can't even imagine anything. I think my brain needs a little repair.     

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Daft: My last day as a freshman ...

Daft: My last day as a freshman ...

My last day as a freshman ...

My last weekend in school happened to be very eventful. It all started on a Thursday morning. I woke up early in the morning to study for my entrepreneurship paper. It went pretty well. It was a two hour paper that I happen to finish in forty minutes. Ain't I a genius?  I deserve a crown..... right on my ass. I was out of the exam room by 1000hrs. I was the third to leave. Sadly, I have to share my 'genius' title with the first two. Just for the record, I was the first to finish. Modesty glued me to my chair. I went to have breakfast then sat down to start revising for my calculus paper. I was literally starting my revision at 1100hrs. 30 minutes into the revision, I got a text that I tried so very much to ignore. My efforts to ignore hit a rock and I finally gave in. 10 minutes later I was out of school going to see my pal. My pal? ....not really. I wanted to be more than friends with this guy. This is a warning to all girls ....NEVER KISS A BOY YOU LIKE JUST BEFORE A CALCULUS TEST. I went back to school just a little bit messed up in the head. Who am I kidding, I was totally messed up. On a scale of 1 to 10, I was at 9.99999999. Don't round it of please. I couldn't revise for the rest of the day. There is one thing I did so well, smiling sheepishly to myself.

At 1530hrs, I called my classmate to find out where the exam was to be done. At 1900hrs I was done with my calculus paper. The paper was awesome. Turns out kissing the boy you like before a paper is not such a bad idea.

From the exam room, to my room then to students bar. I had my water bottle. When a pal of mine borrowed me water, she spit it out. Here's the deal about my water bottle, it always has something alcoholic in it. I'm so sorry for all the sober people who have been introduced to alcohol via my water bottle, I am extremely sorry for not warning you. Somehow, my drink was over before I could realize. I don't know who was 'kind' enough to help me finish it. Anyway, I forgot about my drink when I sheesha.

My number one love. Sheesha and I have a relationship that cannot be defined. All I can tell you is that I can ditch everyone just for sheesha. You should try mixing that shit with weed. It will take you somewhere higher than cloud 20. And if you like a chik who does sheesha, try blowing smoke into her mouth. You will thank me for this one day.

I had my own business to accomplish that night. I was hoping to be successful. Unfortunately, a nagging pal of mine showed up. I do love her and I don't like disappointing her. She made me get into Kalvo's car then convinced me that we would be back in an hour. One hour became two, two became three and we were in Kasarani. From Kasarani to Lang'ata. From Lang'ata to Westlands. In Westlands, we stayed at the packing lot for an hour. The three boys in that car asked Kalvo to take us home because it was morning. Kalvo was still drunk. He refused to take us home. When one of the boys threatened to beat Kalvo, Kalvo drove all of us to the police station in town and said "You can now beat me here." I stood up, with the help of my cowardice and left for school before I was caught by policemen. I really didn't care so much anyone else's ass. I can only imagine what would have happened to me in those cells. I'd probably be in rehab still recovering from the disturbing things I would have seen. Even a weed addict wouldn't be as disturbed as I would be. I was happy I got to school safe but sad that I didn't accomplish my business. I have postponed it to next year April. I hope the three boys will still be around:-)  

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My life in 'prison'

When I was 12, I was in a certain school. It had grills all around it with extremely tall walls. The walls were designed to hold me back from the freedom I longed for.

When I opened school, the next time I would see outside was after 3 months. That was the same amount of time it took to see my parents again. I was always sick on opening school dates. When I tell my mum that I am sick. She would give me medicine and hug me telling me that I would get better. However sick I got, there always would be medicine.>>>disadvantages of having a doctor mum. Every time my dad drove me into school, I'd start crying. Omg...I must have been such a cry baby.

I always started my classes on the first day of school. Before class, we had an inspection to make sure nobody snuck in food. It was illegal to have lotion, just petroleum jelly. A sweet wrapper was enough to get one a donkey's beating. After inspection, I go to the dormitory, leave my bag then go to class for my first lesson. I had to make sure I was in time to avoid any hazardous happenings.

Anyone who hadn't done their homework was ready to borrow my book. Not doing homework was equal to murder in the real world. You would be thrashed thoroughly. Dark kids would turn purple as light kids like me turn from pink to red.

Lunch time was just a......I don't have a word for it. Kids would run to the dinning hall. Food was already served on plates. Three spoons were enough to finish the food. Then comes the showering part. Now.....this was just horrific. Naked girls running in and out of the dormitory. I was praying hard that all the lesbians there would think I was some grotesque figure.

I can't forget the chapatis we used to eat. They were worse than unleavened bread. The worst part was that it was compulsory to finish two of those. I was permanently disturbed ....and the fried eggs _omg_they had soup!! I felt like I was in juvenile prison. 

The worst was when I got 98% in science and I missed a simple question. My teacher came into class and told me " Kilimanjaro juu" I gotta tell you, my ass grew really big and red like a super ripe tomato. Sadly, I couldn't sit down. The ass was sexy though.

My kids will be home schooled under my supervision. I don't want them getting big asses.   

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Hot boy drove me crazy when i was 11.

There is this guy I liked in my 6th year of primary school. I was 11 years old. This guy had just joined my school. He was talking really nice Swahili. I had just been kicked out of home and taken to boarding school. ( this was the most horrifying experience in my life...Story of another day) Back to my hhhhhhot boy.....he sat at the back of the class. I sat at the front right next to the door and the time table was just above my head. On the second day of school, I noticed someone standing next to my desk in a maroon jacket. He was checking the timetable. I raise my head and the first thing that comes to my head is ......DAMN _EYE CANDY...right above my head...yummiest :-p  I have never stared at someone for that long using the corner of my eyes. My eyelids were hurting...I had to take pain killers for that. I thought I had stones inside. 

My parents once told me to always go for what I want. I want this boy. I want him to be mine. Really destructive thinking for an 11 year old. That is as far as it went. I kinda didn't even start chasing. I was a very focused girl and I always maintained first position in my class. I continued to read my books so I could maintain my outstanding performance. I still wonder why I read like someone who is doing 3 degrees.

The next day I realised hot boy was a boarder like me. My heart skipped a little when I noticed him over supper. After about a week, when I was almost giving up on ever talking to him, he came and asked for my help in a mathematical problem.

I looked at the question and smiled coz it was a very easy question. I have never felt more useful...or maybe he just needed a reason to talk to me. I never wanted that moment to end. From that time, we started saying hi to each other.

One day he got into trouble. He was punished in front of everyone. I felt so bad. I started crying in front of everyone. Everyone saw me crying ...and the secret was finally out. I was hot boy's girlfriend. Dating was a felony in my school. So, we sadly had to break up.I still used to cry for him though. Sweet ....isn't it?

At some point hot boy told me that he loved me. I got so scared that I reported it to the senior teacher. That day, I got born again. I felt like I had sinned by listening to hot boy. It happened to be a beautiful Sunday. Hot boy got punished for saying he loved me. I cried again. I was almost wailing. I ain't sure if I was crying for me or him.

In my seventh year of primary school, hot boy and I started talking again. Actually, he only told me one single word the whole year. It was after evening prep...hot boy told me goodnight. The next day, I went to my class teacher and reported hot boy for telling me goodnight. He was punished again. I still feel guilty for that one. The poor boy was just being nice.

Hot boy and I were permanently put in separate classes. I was a teacher's pet and he wasn't. That was something bitchy I did over there. I still wanna apologize to hot hot boy but sadly, I don't know where to find him. Please forgive me hot boy >>>puppydolleyes<<<  I am so sorry. Come back and marry me:-)    

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Did that guy just do that! !!!!

It is Friday. I am from visiting my sister in school. I got this heavy laptop on my back. I was so heavy, I felt worse than what I felt the last time I tried lifting weights. My friend calls when I am in town. I pass by a shopping mall to see him. I should never have done that. It was a deadly mistake. I got detailed. Where to put my laptop? ?? Will it be safe? ?? I am wearing denim pants and a long sleeved top. Totally not appropriate for rave. I looked almost like an Eskimo.

Even with all those malfunctions, I was possible to derail. I think I should fall more in love with my bed.

We take my sister's laptop to a secure place. Let the party begin. We hang out in town a little then decide to go to Westlands. I was the only lady in the company of 6 boys. There was this one 'special' dude.

This is how it all began ..................................................................

Could you pay my bus fare, I don't have loose cash?

Let's go make out at the car park. (Just for the record, none of those cars at the car park belonged to us)

Do you have enough money for two beers?

Do you have money I get vodka?

I don't have a place to sleep, please don't leave me stranded.

Let's go to my pal's place.

Let's go to another pal's place.

Let's sit on the stairs and call everyone .....almost everyone in your phone book.

Let's go to another pal's place.

>>>>>>I am tired, cold and hangovered. We haven't reached yet where we are going and I am almost bankrupt coz of paying everything in double. My patience is wearing out and I want to kill this boy.

Finally, a place to sleep. Was he really shamelessly trying to fondle with my stuff!!!! Boy got nerve.

I sleep for 2 hours and then wake up and tip toe outside. I am relieved when I get home.

Monday morning :::

Could you send me ksh 300....I am really stranded?

..........................and that was how it ended.

I still think that guy is mentally impaired.  

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I was thinking..............................

I happen to be feeling really sentimental today. I suddenly kinda miss having a boyfriend. The song I am listening to isn't making the situation any better. It is 0230hrs and I am not yet feeling sleepy. Insomnia is my bff. It's weird that I am feeling this way yet I am listening to Eminem, Bow-wow and Drake. This night is gonna be really long.

I have actually started thinking about my life ...love life to be precise. I see myself as a successful woman in future with very beautiful babies but no husband. I have never seen myself in a wedding gown. Is this weird? ??? I'm starting to worry about me. I have met many nice guys but then they mention the word love and I run away.

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl too. Boy says I love you. Girl runs away.

Boy meets girl. Boy flirts with girl. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Boy says he doesn't do relationships. Girl feels better coz she fears commitment.

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl flirt for so long. As long as nothing is defined, girl likes it.

Girl meets boy. Girl gets interested. Boy is UNAVAILABLE.

Boy meets girl. Boy golddigs girl. Girl runs away.

Boy meets girl. Boy says "I wanna fuck you." Girl gets a trauma attack and is rushed to hospital in an ambulance.

I don't want to fall in love. I kinda have this check list.

Fall in love at 27.

Get married at 30.

Get a baby at 34.

Being too much of a free spirit sometimes lands me into a lot shit. I got to pull myself together. I almost have no boundaries. I do have the moral capacity to follow rules though.

I should have a man cleanse. Try sticking to one boy at a time. This topic is really boring>>>>yawning<<<<<<

I am a serial flirt....sometimes, I don't even know I am doing it. My apologies if made your boyfriend stop listening to you for a second....it's my weakness. The thing is, I only compliment guys I like. I flirt with all hot dudes but I only compliment the ones that I really like. As much as I miss being someone's girl, I don't want a boyfriend. I love my life at the moment. It ain't perfect but it's totally awesome. I seldom have emotional needs so a boyfriend is not necessary. I am also annoyingly not a needy girlfriend and I don't want to make any dude feel useless.

I don't know if I made any sense. I kinda needed to write this crap.

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My fairy tale.

My eight month fairy tell. This kinda happened few months ago but I just love using present tense. It's some time beginning of April. I meet this guy in a chemist that is inside the estate I stay in. He is really cute and gets even cuter when he asks for my number. If I noticed earlier that he wasn't hot and sexy, I wouldn't be in this situation that is beyond redemption. I now have permanent fear for cute boys. I stick to hot and sexy. Cute boy took my number on a Friday then I meet him 52 hours later. He was pretty interesting.  It takes 5 more dates then I start dating him. This is an experiment I am trying. I have never been in a serious relationship before. We had a whirlwind of romance. I am very sure I am not in love. That word love is creepy, very creepy in fact.

With time, I realize _____________________________________________________________________cute boy has lied about his age. Cute boy laughs really badly. Cute boy thinks I will be his wife.__WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Cute boy thinks I will have babies, his babies._HORROR MOVIE _BLEUGH... Cute boy is a spendthrift. Cute boy is a quitter _really bad quality. Cute boy was once a school drop out _this is normal. Cute boy doesn't take vodka _sad, this is one of my favorite drinks. Cute boy takes sweet wine _gayish tendency. Cute boy's email address has the word 'cutie' in it _so gay.

I happen to be trying so hard to hide cute boy. Cute boy is trying so hard not to be hidden. He even wants to attend extended family functions. I would have invited him only he would be all over me. He is also the type that can tell my mum "I love your daughter and I want to marry her" My old lady would kick me out, she would make me choose between marriage and education. Marriage ...HELL NO. I have seen my grandparents_I am not trying to end up like them. At some point, cute boy followed me all the way to Kakamega. _that is a ten hour drive. In case I forgot earlier, cute boy is psychotic too. If he were my son, I'd take him to rehab.

This is November, I have no idea I'm gonna be single by the end of this month. "If you ain't gonna have my babies, I will move on without you" "I'll pack my shit tomorrow morning and leave." And this is the end of my experiment. I am so relieved. PHEW:-)   

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Disturbing holiday

I have been in Kakamega for the past few days. I have seen and heard a lot of hilarious shit. On my way to Kakamega, I used some Nissans popularly known as shuttles. I regretted trying to save money. I think I had the longest day of my life. On my right was my sister (thank God), on my left, was this really old man. I put on my pink  head phones and started listening to my music. For two minutes, I felt like I was in heaven. I was nodding my head and tapping my feet to Bon Jovi's 'Its my life' when I felt someone squeezing my poor biceps. So, I put my headphones around my neck and decided to listen to what he had to say. "Unaenda kakameka??" He asked. You know, I was a lil bit offended. That guy committed 3 crimes...

1. He invaded my territory by squeezing my biceps.

2. He robbed me off the chance of listening to my favorite song and feeling like I was in heaven.

3. He asked me a question that I consider stupid.

I thought, lemme spare the old man. He probably doesn't know what he is doing. If he was a little man, I would have given him a piece of my mind. By little man, I mean anyone without grey hair. For the rest of the journey, I couldn't listen to my music because the old man was poking his nose into my business. Ninety percent of what I told him wasn't true. I'm not in the habit of giving my details to strangers.

As soon as I got home, I was totally relieved. I hadn't sat for ten minutes when we heard the wife to my neighbor screaming. My neighbor's wife was stack naked. She was also running, and screaming too. Behind her was the husband. He had a cane in his hand. He had raised the cane high in the sky ready to land it on the wife's naked ass. Behind him were his little kids. The kids were running after their parents in a single file. They were busy wailing and chanting some words that I couldn't hear. I'd like to think they were saying 'Daddy, samehea mummy'....I guess they were saying that in their mother tongue. (Please picture this -i found it funny) My neighbors in Kakamega are too inhuman. Instead of helping the poor naked lady, they were watching and trying to find out what the wife had done so they can know whether she deserves the punishment or not. It actually became a police case.

Since I came to Kakamega, I have been very stupid. One morning, I saw a tree with green fruits. I asked my mum what fruits those were. My cousin quickly answered that it was an avocado tree. Then my mum said, it's a mango tree. I decided to stare at the fruits keenly so I know who was telling the truth. I couldn't figure out what the yellow fruits were. Then it hit me that avocados ain't yellow. I should have hang myself with tissue paper for being that stupid.  

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The day i thought my 40 days were over.

This day I almost got busted by my old lady. It's a normal Friday afternoon waiting for something random for the night. My pal gives me a call. She promises to pass by my school on her way home. At around 1730hrs, my pal shows up. I get really excited until I see the dude behind her. My day is suddenly messed up. I can't say that I hate this boy.....I just don't like him. He has got this really weird hair, which is very disturbing for me, especially since I have a fetish for really neat haircuts. Since my school has a really awesome bar, they decided to have one drink before leaving. What I didn't know was that they were already a little drunk. They just needed one more drink to reach cloud 20. We walk to the bar, the place is extremely full. We got a really bad sitting place. They didn't really mind, they were already high. One beer become two, two became vodka ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I woke up in the morning. I still had on the previous day's clothes. I was in my bed. My underwear was still in tact...THANK GOD. my head was pounding. I was fatigued. I felt like I was run over by a truck. I think a bell was ringing right in my ears. My phone rung. It was a call that I always dread...my OLD LADY. I was supposed to meet her in town. I ask her to give me one hour. She says it's fine. I shower really quick and brush my teeth. After dressing up, I get back into bed, call my old lady, tell her I can't make it because I am really sick. Little did I know, this was the worst decision I have ever made my entire life. My old lady decided to come see me in school. What was I gonna do??? I wasn't even supposed to be living inside school. I hide my clothes so that she doesn't notice I live there. I was to tell her that was my pal's place.

As soon as she arrives, I tell her I got food poisoning. My sister is not helping because she is very aware of what is going on. In case I did not mention earlier, my old lady is a doctor, she also has this very holy image of her little baby. She looked at my pale face, my eyes, the way I was throwing up. She told me that I either had malaria or typhoid. She dismissed food poisoning as I had told her earlier. She then decided that she would take me to the school's health unit. At this point, I knew I was dead. I had no fucking disease, I had a fucking hangover. I started scheming how I would stop her from taking me to hospital.

I was so relieved when I realised she had to leave before 1400hrs because she had to travel. I asked her to take me to the health unit and leave me there. When we got to the health unit, she told me bye and left me seated. Five minutes after she left, I wished all the other patients a quick recovery and then left and went back to my room. After all these, I realised how much my old lady loves me. You know what "I love you too mum"

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random Saturday

Today is going to be a really awesome day. First of all, I woke up really early. By early I mean 0740hrs. Normally, when I am on holiday, I wake up at 1000hrs. I am very proud of me and you should be too. The first thing that I did after waking up was pee. Just for the record, I have never peed in the morning when I am just from bed. I will never drink water before sleeping again. Waking up to the toilet is not funny at all....I prefer waking up to the kitchen. Apart from the toilet,, everything about this morning is great. I have actually done something really unusual ....I HAVE READ TWENTY PAGES OF A NOVEL. I should get an award for this. That was like food for my brain. It felt so good by the way. Now I feel like total genius ....ask me anything and you will be surprised at how fast I will answer. (Is there a genius dance or should I come up with my own???)

Anyway, I was talking about today being a great day. ...................is anybody at least going to ask me why! !! Even if you don't ask, I will still tell. I am going to get a house of my own and I am extremely happy. Getting my own house happens to be a result of coning my parents but that is a story of another day. ((((My uncle just asked me to go clean a clean kitchen ...I think he is going crazy. )))))) Back to my story, I was going to look for a house. All I can think about is privacy. Finally, I won't have my roommates exiling me because they want to get busy with their boyfriends. I won't have to exile anybody when I want to get busy with ............. I don't know what to write there coz I don't have a boyfriend but I do get some. At least I won't have to borrow a venue for my birthday party. I will also stay away from our school bar...;what the hell, who am I cheating. That bar is my second home. It has everything that I like: boys, alcohol and meat. Pray for my house hunt to be successful. Later :-)

The Cold Hit Problem

The Cold Hit Problem

Video: Tyga - 'Rack City' (feat. Young Jeezy & T.I)

Video: Tyga - 'Rack City' (feat. Young Jeezy & T.I)

Jonah Hill Channels Eminem

Jonah Hill Channels Eminem

Eminem and B.o.B to Collaborate Again

Eminem and B.o.B to Collaborate Again