I get really embarrassed when there is a kissing scene on television and everyone around me is above 30 years...I actually meant 40 years. My dad actually switches off the TV....talk of old school parents. I decided to tell my mum that I have a boyfriend. Worst mistake ever. She asked me if I was gonna marry him. I told her that I wasn't sure. She then accused me of wasting the poor boy's time if I wasn't planning to marry him. What the hell was that!!!!! I'm just a poor little 19 year old, marriage has no place in my priorities. So,I decided to dig some dirt on my parents. After 70 full days of research, I got nothing. Either they are really good at hiding stuff or they had super boring campus lives. The only thing I found out was that my mum married her first boyfriend.
I'm kinda excited because I'm joining campus next month. I happen to be joining Kenyatta University. I'm wondering whether I should stay on campus or out of campus. At the moment, I'm trying to write this crazy shopping list so that I can be able to swindle some good amount of money from them.
I'm kinda scared of joining Kenyatta University. My big sister is in the same campus and I don't like her friends. The last time I went to Kenyatta University, there were first year students all around me talking mother tongue. I felt like I was in the village. All the boys I met were very annoying, I can't compare those boys to my boyfriends in JKUAT and Nairobi University. I fear for my social life. At least I am gonna be with two of my closest girlfriends. The thought that my girlfriends are coming to my campus is kinda disturbing. I wonder whether any studying will. happen because I know they are ail thinking about partying. Since I am the partyholic here, I'm sure I'll be getting messages that say 'where the party at???????' This is a question that I seriously don't like. How boring can your life get that you are never invited to any party....all you do is gate crush all the parties you attend.
Monday, 25 April 2011
My retarded cousin
I recently got kicked out of my cousin's. 2 weeks before I got kicked, my cousin brought an exorcist from Oloitoktok to stay in her house. I had been in Thika for sometime before I came back and found the exorcist around. When I arrived from Thika, I got really interesting news. Apparently, my cousin got born again, her 4husband got born again and Stella also got born again. Stella is the only lady that my cousin imagines won't steal her husband. Just for the record, my cousin thinks all women are there to steal her husband. I also think the little kid was exorcised, though I lgot no proof. I haven't spent the night at my cousin's house for the past two weeks. I've either been spending the night at my uncle's or my boy's place. Most of the time, I've been at my uncle's. One Saturday night, I was walking in the estate with my boyfriend. We happened to meet my cousin's husband. I didn't sleep at my cousin's on Saturday night. When I went back to her house on Sunday, she accused me of being married and living with a man. I was kinda traumatized and hoped the wrong news would never get to my mother. That Sunday night, I slept at her house because I didn't want any trouble. My male friend brought me pizza samples on Wednesday. As soon as he got by, I went outside to get the pizza. I couldn't let him inside because I'm not allowed to have friends over. A few minutes after my I took the pizza, my cousin came in and accused me of bringing men into her house and that I was gonna mess up her marriage. I think she wants my boyfriend, he is way. hotter than her husband and treats me like a queen. Her husband treats her like trash....my poor sad cousin. I wasn't pleased with what she said so as soon as I got my boy's call, I went to his place. When I went back the next morning, I was to take a bath and go get a letter that I urgently needed from the university. As soon as I got into the house, she told me to keep quiet and lock myself in my room, because her husband was around. Since I had more more important things to do, I explained to her why I had to leave. I also said sorry. I don't exactly know why I was saying sorry. As soon as I left, she immediately called me. She told me that I had disrespected her and that she was gonna call my mum. She threw all my stuff outside and ncalled my sister to go pick them. I didn't know people get kicked out for saying sorry....life is very interesting. The good news is, the coward never called my mum. It's my 1st time to be thrown out of someone's house. It doesn't feel so bad after all. At this point, I'm sure my cousin is a retard and needs divine intervention. That exorcist must have been an amateur.
Friday, 8 April 2011
Reasons to allow bOOz at work...
*It's an incentive 2 show up.
*It reduces stress.
*It leads 2 more honest comunication.
*It reduces complaints bout low pay.
*It cuts down on time off coz u can work with a hangover.
*Employees tel managment wat they thnk, not wat managment wants 2 hear.
*It increases job satisfaction coz if u hv a bad job, u dont care.
*It eliminates vacation coz pple wud rather go 2 work.
*It makes fellow employees look better.
*It makes cafeteria food taste better.
*Bosses r more likely to hand out raises when they r wasted.
*Salary negotiations r a lot more profitable.
*Suddenly farting durin a meeting aint xo embarasing.
*No one wil remember ur strip act at the xmas party.
TOP 10 LIST OF QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND...if u want him to run.
10. Do u lyk my bottom?
9. Would u lyk to go shopping with me?
8. Do u mind if ur bestfriend joins us in bed?
7. If we were a hollywood movie couple, who would we be? <she means beauty and the beast...leave open who the beast is>
6. Have u ever cheated on a galfrend b4? ...the answer is always, "Me, i wud rather die."
5. Wat wud u do if u were alone in the playboy mansion with 250 playmates and all r famished?
4. How many people hav u had sex with b4 me?
3. Can u xplain to me how to handle a <complicated technical device>? ...if he doesnt hv the patience to xplain, he wil send u to an electronic store.
2. Will we be together 4eva and marry one day?
1. WOULD YOU TATTOO MY NAME ON YOUR UPPER ARM?
9. Would u lyk to go shopping with me?
8. Do u mind if ur bestfriend joins us in bed?
7. If we were a hollywood movie couple, who would we be? <she means beauty and the beast...leave open who the beast is>
6. Have u ever cheated on a galfrend b4? ...the answer is always, "Me, i wud rather die."
5. Wat wud u do if u were alone in the playboy mansion with 250 playmates and all r famished?
4. How many people hav u had sex with b4 me?
3. Can u xplain to me how to handle a <complicated technical device>? ...if he doesnt hv the patience to xplain, he wil send u to an electronic store.
2. Will we be together 4eva and marry one day?
1. WOULD YOU TATTOO MY NAME ON YOUR UPPER ARM?
Thursday, 7 April 2011
When disaster strikes
I wake up early in the morning feeling so good. It's a Friday, the only day of the week that I love spending. When I leave home, I got ksh50...enough only to get me to town. I get my ATM card,put it in my jeans pocket and walk to the bus stop with a huge smile on my face as I listen to Jessie J's song...'do it like a dude'
I get into the matatu, pay the fare and get ksh 20 change. I alight at Agip and walk slowly to Kenyatta avenue where my bank is. I peep into the ATM lobby and notice it is empty. This is good news for me since I loath making queues. Two seconds after I walk in,a security guard walks up to me and says 'madam, ATM haifanyi kazi leo'. I started causing tantrums on why he had called me madam before realizing that I couldn't withdraw money. Walking out of the bank a very disappointed lady, I walk to harambee avenue to withdraw money from the other branch of my bank. Sadly, I am told the problem is countrywide and I cant even withdraw over the counter.
This is me, with ksh 20 between me and poverty and a phone that is almost dead. Stupidly, I started listening to music. By the time it hit me that I could call my mama to Mpesa me cash, my phone's battery charge was 5%. I cross my left fingers, make the sign of the cross, cross my right fingers, kneel down then call my mama. My phone just died after I had asked for money and my mama telling me that she will send the money at night. When I don't need money, my mama sends it immediately, when I am desperate, she sends the money hours later. (The sad part of my life)
At this point, I need divine intervention. I am not used to having a lot of disasters on one day especially because I have to subject my poor brain to too many destructive thoughts such as robbing a bank. This is when my daftness level rises from 51% to 99%.
Lesson learnt: never leave home with ksh 50...lest disaster strikes.
I get into the matatu, pay the fare and get ksh 20 change. I alight at Agip and walk slowly to Kenyatta avenue where my bank is. I peep into the ATM lobby and notice it is empty. This is good news for me since I loath making queues. Two seconds after I walk in,a security guard walks up to me and says 'madam, ATM haifanyi kazi leo'. I started causing tantrums on why he had called me madam before realizing that I couldn't withdraw money. Walking out of the bank a very disappointed lady, I walk to harambee avenue to withdraw money from the other branch of my bank. Sadly, I am told the problem is countrywide and I cant even withdraw over the counter.
This is me, with ksh 20 between me and poverty and a phone that is almost dead. Stupidly, I started listening to music. By the time it hit me that I could call my mama to Mpesa me cash, my phone's battery charge was 5%. I cross my left fingers, make the sign of the cross, cross my right fingers, kneel down then call my mama. My phone just died after I had asked for money and my mama telling me that she will send the money at night. When I don't need money, my mama sends it immediately, when I am desperate, she sends the money hours later. (The sad part of my life)
At this point, I need divine intervention. I am not used to having a lot of disasters on one day especially because I have to subject my poor brain to too many destructive thoughts such as robbing a bank. This is when my daftness level rises from 51% to 99%.
Lesson learnt: never leave home with ksh 50...lest disaster strikes.
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Wednesday, 6 April 2011
My cousin's salvation
My cousin recently got born again and received Christ as her personal Lord and Saviour. Five days after she got saved, she received a call from one of her ex-boyfriends. My cousin has been married for two years but her husband works out of town. Their marriage is on the rocks at moment. Since she is not having sex with her husband, she has been hunting for a substitute.
My cousin got a call from this ex-boyfriend at 10 pm on Wednesday. The guy was calling from outside her house. He wanted to go out with my cousin so they could have drinks. My cousin told him that she couldn't go out that night. For the first time in my life I was proud of her. Little did I know I would be disappointed for the rest of the night.
My cousin went out to meet the guy then came back into the house after five minutes. Let me name the ex-boyfriend 'Mr X'. Mr X drove off. While X was away, my cousin came to my room and said "OMG, hizi ni temptations". She then smiled and walked out of my room.
Twenty minutes later, X was back. This time, he got into the house. With him was 1000ml of Smirnoff vodka. They sat on the sofa together and began drinking the vodka as they whispered so the househelp and I could not hear what they were saying. Unfortunately, my cousin and X are not very good at whispering. I couldn't hear them clearly but they still caused disturbance.
After one hour of listening to their stupid whispers, I was hoping X would leave. Sadly enough, X did not leave and the noises did not stop. They only graduated from whispers to moans. At this point,you can guess what they were doing...>>>and on the sofa I love sleeping on...yuck. I wish I had her husband's number, I would have snitched.
The next morning, this is what she said, "hata sijafanya makosa, nitaomba tu halafu Mungu atanisamehea". Mr X left in the morning. Since I was too curious, I decided to peep and see who X was. X happens to be my distant cousin.
My cousin got a call from this ex-boyfriend at 10 pm on Wednesday. The guy was calling from outside her house. He wanted to go out with my cousin so they could have drinks. My cousin told him that she couldn't go out that night. For the first time in my life I was proud of her. Little did I know I would be disappointed for the rest of the night.
My cousin went out to meet the guy then came back into the house after five minutes. Let me name the ex-boyfriend 'Mr X'. Mr X drove off. While X was away, my cousin came to my room and said "OMG, hizi ni temptations". She then smiled and walked out of my room.
Twenty minutes later, X was back. This time, he got into the house. With him was 1000ml of Smirnoff vodka. They sat on the sofa together and began drinking the vodka as they whispered so the househelp and I could not hear what they were saying. Unfortunately, my cousin and X are not very good at whispering. I couldn't hear them clearly but they still caused disturbance.
After one hour of listening to their stupid whispers, I was hoping X would leave. Sadly enough, X did not leave and the noises did not stop. They only graduated from whispers to moans. At this point,you can guess what they were doing...>>>and on the sofa I love sleeping on...yuck. I wish I had her husband's number, I would have snitched.
The next morning, this is what she said, "hata sijafanya makosa, nitaomba tu halafu Mungu atanisamehea". Mr X left in the morning. Since I was too curious, I decided to peep and see who X was. X happens to be my distant cousin.
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This is my latest favorite video
Watch "Einstein vs Stephen Hawking -Epic Rap Battles of History #7" on YouTube
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amazing dancer
Watch "Amazing Dancer - Norske Talenter 2011 - Tord (10 years old)" on YouTube
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Tuesday, 5 April 2011
AN IDIOT WITH A MESSIAH COMPLEX
My friend is 'AN IDIOT WITH A MESSIAH COMPLEX'
She doesn't know whether it's good or bad but all I can tell you is that it's severely hazardous to her. She might end up in that hospital for mentally disturbed people if I don't do something about it. I've decided to Google it and see what it actually means. For a moment, I actually felt like a saviour...my friend needs me to deliver her from her insanity. The good news is that, it is not a mental disorder, so she is 100% mentally stable. She wakes up, prepares to go to school, collects all her coins and puts them in her pocket so she can drop them in beggars' cups/tins. Each time she buys something, she doesn't collect change that is less than ksh 50. The sad part is that, the change that she doesn't take all the time is enough to pay her matatu fare for a whole month. The worst part, is that she goes broke halfway into the month then I am forced to be her sponsor. One time, she gave some guy all her money (ksh 30) and then she walked home ...about 3 km. She got this very useless boyfriend. The reason I call him useless is because he has never paid over dates, he didn't get my friend a birthday present, he never buys the condoms and my friend doesn't even know where he lives. I think you now understand when I say friend is an idiot. Since April just began, I'm sure she is more than willing to spend all her money saving strangers. I have already put aside the money I will be giving her in the middle of the month. I am only waiting for her to ask. Soon she will be thinking of buying condoms for those people in Isiolo. Honestly, I'm only complaining because I want to be her financial advisor, her money will be better spent if I was the one handling it.
She doesn't know whether it's good or bad but all I can tell you is that it's severely hazardous to her. She might end up in that hospital for mentally disturbed people if I don't do something about it. I've decided to Google it and see what it actually means. For a moment, I actually felt like a saviour...my friend needs me to deliver her from her insanity. The good news is that, it is not a mental disorder, so she is 100% mentally stable. She wakes up, prepares to go to school, collects all her coins and puts them in her pocket so she can drop them in beggars' cups/tins. Each time she buys something, she doesn't collect change that is less than ksh 50. The sad part is that, the change that she doesn't take all the time is enough to pay her matatu fare for a whole month. The worst part, is that she goes broke halfway into the month then I am forced to be her sponsor. One time, she gave some guy all her money (ksh 30) and then she walked home ...about 3 km. She got this very useless boyfriend. The reason I call him useless is because he has never paid over dates, he didn't get my friend a birthday present, he never buys the condoms and my friend doesn't even know where he lives. I think you now understand when I say friend is an idiot. Since April just began, I'm sure she is more than willing to spend all her money saving strangers. I have already put aside the money I will be giving her in the middle of the month. I am only waiting for her to ask. Soon she will be thinking of buying condoms for those people in Isiolo. Honestly, I'm only complaining because I want to be her financial advisor, her money will be better spent if I was the one handling it.
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Angry birds the movie. >>>>trailer
Watch "Angry Birds: The Movie (Trailer)" on YouTube
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Monday, 4 April 2011
Tired black young girl
I have been staying with my cousin for the past 3 months. I am looking for a new apartment before I become a tired black young woman with wrinkles all over my face. When I moved into this house, I was hoping to be saving money but I unfortunately ended up spending more than I intended.>>so sad<< I am forced to buy food in the house because most of my cousin's money ends up in clubs. Keep in mind I am only a poor little student who depends on her poor hard working parents for pocket money. 90% percent of her money is spent on entertainment. The other 10% is spent on expensive perfume and the latest trends in Fashion. The only thing that I have bought that is close to fashion happens to be a handkerchief :-( Everything else in that house is my responsibility. Every morning, she leaves the househelp with ksh 50. The ksh 50 is supposed to buy bread, minced meat, onions, tomatoes and vegetables. She leaves the house knowing that an angel sent from heaven (me) will make sure everything on her list is bought. When I go out with her, I buy all the drinks, then I have to hire a taxi because she always blacks out and since I don't own a driver's license, I can't drive her car.>>>I sadly happen to be a faithful law abiding citizen. I always pay for her salon. What hurt me the most was when her little 2 year old kid spoiled my new phone and she did nothing about It, Not even apologizing on behalf of that little brat. She also steals money from my wallet. My cousin is a BITCH and needs to be punished. I think my cousin should be tied up to a tree, stripped naked and be thoroughly flogged 5 times by each soldier in the armed forces. It would be more entertaining if safari ants crawled up her sexy legs and bit her for at least 10 minutes.
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me
I live my life one day at a time.
I am a spendthrift when I got money.
I love my friends.
I'm sometimes too sweet without even knowing it.
I don't like boys /men who lack egos.
I can't sleep before 12.30 am.
I love my boobies:-)
I wake up at 9 a.m...when I got nothing to do.
I don't judge people.
I ain't a big fan of relationships.
I don't take life too seriously except for really important things.
I love maximo ice cream.
I fear chilli.
I fear dogs.
I don't like animals but I got sympathy towards them.
I specifically hate black animals.
I stand on my bed sometimes so I can feel tall.
Most of all, I am daft.
I am a spendthrift when I got money.
I love my friends.
I'm sometimes too sweet without even knowing it.
I don't like boys /men who lack egos.
I can't sleep before 12.30 am.
I love my boobies:-)
I wake up at 9 a.m...when I got nothing to do.
I don't judge people.
I ain't a big fan of relationships.
I don't take life too seriously except for really important things.
I love maximo ice cream.
I fear chilli.
I fear dogs.
I don't like animals but I got sympathy towards them.
I specifically hate black animals.
I stand on my bed sometimes so I can feel tall.
Most of all, I am daft.
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