Boredom, the drug in my closet, boy toy auditions..

Today happens to be one of those days when I am extremely bored ...really really bored. Oh my goodness, the world and everyone in it must be having a conspiracy against me. I might just die of boredom ....what a pathetic way to lose life. What to do...what to do ...what to do..... I have a blog...lemme complain to anyone who might stumble on this. Just for the record, complaining ain't my thing. In fact, I dislike people who complain about anything and everything. Complainers are very annoying people ....they whine whine whine whine and whine without stopping. They sound like buzzing bees only they don't sting. Most of the time, they usually are complaining about nothing. Why don't you just shut your big mouth and get something more important to do. Okay ....now I'm starting to sound like someone who is complaining about complainers. I have officially zipped my big mouth too.

Everyone that I can hang out with is out of school ...either I have stopped having a life or it is just my unlucky day. Maybe I should also get out of school. No...it is pretty cold out there. I just might freeze to death. I don't want to die before I actually accomplish everything on my bucket list. Out of the 23 things on that list, I have actually done 13 already. I should edit that list and add some new things. The remaining 10 look like things that I would accomplish in just one day. Am  I still bored??? I need to activate my over active imagination. Since I started doing maths, I have become more and more stupid each single day. Now I know why I gave my phone to a DJ.

Today, I actually arranged my closet. It looks so neat ...I even took photos so that I could show my old lady. She needs to be proud of her baby ...her sweet baby. Don't I just love being the last born in the family. I get get away with my obstinacy. I don't have to set an example to any little siblings. I found something in my closet ...a drug ...a very interesting drug. I would have to be feeling very malicious to actually give it to someone. Do I feel malicious?? Yes I do...yes I do... I will put this drug in my handbag as I look for my victim. Anyone I will meet today is a possible victim. Beware of my evil stare, my very evil stare...I will unleash it today. Today is the premier of bubbles' evil stare. I should probably say sorry to whoever I will disturb today.

At this point, I will start texting all the boys in my phonebook. The first text is always the same for everyone...that is just my signature way of starting a conversation. I gotta go...I'm doing auditions for a potential boy toy. Anyone interested??

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Drowning tout .

Last night I had the weirdest dream. In a matatu, we get an accident. The matatu falls into a river. Everyone is swimming to save their lives ...even the people who didn't have the slightest clue on how to float in water, like that 90 year old grandma. Somehow, they were able to swim. It's amazing what adrenaline can actually do. I was also swimming ...I was swimming..... not to save my life but was looking for the tout. He had my change and I wanted it. Well...I woke up after that, I didn't have the chance to finish the dream.

The whole morning, I have been wanting to know what became of me and my greedy self. So, I have decided to finish the dream while I am awake. This is what happened ...I swam, swam, swam and swam looking for the tout. Where the hell is this tout ....I need my money back. The tout is nowhere to be seen. Am I ever gonna get my money back?? Perhaps I should start crying. Wailing sounds even better. It has been long since I actually wailed nicely to satisfaction. You all should try wailing in the woods ...I promise you that no wolves will catch you or even notice you are around unless you sound like one. If a wolf catches you, there is only one thing that you can do to get rid of it and become a ninja the next day ....here it is......wait for it....keep waiting .....EMBRACE THE COWARD IN YOU AND RUN ....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ....YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. The wolf will eat you...then leave the rest of you to vultures. Are you scared yet??

At this point, only your feeble legs and the existing coward in you will save you. Lesson learnt ....you will be very stupid if you actually go wailing in the woods. The only people who can go wailing in the woods are those who have kinship with the animal world ...I have quite a number of those friends ...and I ain't hinting.

Well well well ...the tout is still missing. This is not good. Wait a minute, that dude over there who is almost drowning looks like a tout. Swimming towards him to save his life so I can have my money back. The poor guy cannot swim. I should hurry and save his life. He needs me..he needs my help. This is my one and only chance to be a heroin. I hope someone with a camera passes by and captures this life changing moment on video. I am going to be a goodwill ambassador. This will be the most heroic time of my life...forget about the time that I actually beat my old man in chess ...and the time I chased a dog that was supposed to be chasing me.

Did I catch the tout?? Yes I did. Did I get my money?? Hell no. Well ...hoping to get coins from a drowning man is the most stupid thing that someone can try doing. Was that moment recorded??? Sadly it wasn't. I guess I'll have to cling on to that time when I chased a dog. That was so badass ...

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OH NO...NOT AGAIN ...I WILL BITE SOMEONE'S HEAD ...

Oh dear ...NOT AGAIN

Pre-menstrual meltdown grips me once more

As my hands grow claws and my loved ones run for deep cover

I take a moment before biting someone's head off

I need to grab a PMS chocolate bar

It should be made with the best happy soothing ingredient around and taste so good that my most acid complaints will be soothed into bliss

The next time the all black widow descends upon me, I can take a chocolate bar and smile or tell all the idiot men to run ...............

RUN LIKE HELL ....

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My dad owns a matatu that is nicknamed 'prado'

The sender of these texts is a poser. These texts were sent to a very good friend of mine. When I saw this boy, I actually thought he was a nice catch. I saw him from far and  the only thing that I noticed was the awesome haircut. I have a thing for guys who are just from the barber. They were seated with my friend_the reciever of the texts. I was on my way to town. I said hi to them and left. My friend said she was 'busy' and couldn't stay with them for long. That must have been the most traumatic date of her entire life. She left in less than 10 minutes. The poser was there with a friend of his. The poser then asked his friend, "Do you have keys to the prado?" This is a very normal statement that should not be funny. In fact, if you are laughing, you should pay daily visits to the psychiatrist because your mental illness is worsening without any doubt.

I got to the stage and took my matatu to town. I sat at the front so I could control the music. Just before the matatu left, I saw the 'prado' boys getting into the same matatu that I was in. OMG....HAVE THE POOR BOYS BEEN CARJACKED...LMFAO...haha. ...or perhaps this matatu looks like a prado. Do they even know how a prado looks like??? Perhaps prados in their place look like matatus....or the dad owns a matatu that he has nicknamed 'prado'...... hehe hoho hihi huhu haha. About his accent ....he talked like someone who was born and grew up neither in Africa nor Asia. ...and what he writes (smh) ...his teacher for English would be very disappointed and if he won't be, he should be behind bars for messing up his language.

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING TEXTS ALOUD WHILE  HOLDING YOUR NOSTRILS TIGHT. (don't hold too tight...you might just kick the bucket)

Aint uu' in a gud

mood for a

''holla back''

thot we'd ctch up..buh i don wana push it.

Nanytt!

Oy'

fancy face,

so we plott

sumthn? :)

Seemz u don wna say hi to me.huh?

Coo'

l8r! :p

Coo'

wenyu thru fresh'n up

lemmi kn'aw

hmph!

ain't u like suppostah practise a lil hospitality,since am in yo zone..show yo sleepy say, say elow o' sumthn :)

whr yo crib at exackly?

hehe..cee u come pick me up,my bam is gettin a lil bit tired of sitt'n! Uu shoul' tour me aroun' to yo hideout:)

Yeah.tho am thru lrdy, my hommez iz the wan am chillen to finish gett'n pimp'd.

Wake up lazy bum :p

kwani u pulled an all.nighter? Lol.

Yhupp,

ths endz of the barber.wana swing by say hi?

IF YOU LOVE TEXTING IN PERFECT ENGLISH AND HATE POSERS TOO, I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND ME.

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On a boring day ....

Today has probably been the most boring uneventful day of my life. I have never felt this useless. I even tried playing angry birds and sudoku to  make myself feel useful. If you really want to know...it didn't work. I woke up at 0700 hrs which is an achievement for me. A very big achievement. I am telling you, that was an outstanding performance. I deserve a clap, then an award, then someone famous should write a song about me and another famous singer sings the song and finally the heroin of the tale (me) becomes the star in the video. I hope you now imagine how hard I struggle to wake up. Anytime I wake up early, I feel like an overachiever.

All I have done today is waking up, eating a pear, eating a banana, taking black tea (I kinda become lactose intolerant in every morning), watched t.v, had lunch, watched t.v some more. Pictured myself in Kimora's shoes. ....the rest of the day is pretty unproductive. I can't wait for my  sister to get back from work and tell me all about her interesting workmates. I hope today's story will be funny ...I really need somebody to make me laugh laugh my ass off. (if things were taken literally and all the girls in the world laughed their asses off, all men would have probably moved to Mars or Venus.

My uncle's driver is quite the drunkard. He is also very generous with money. He calls me on this boring day. I have 59 seconds to decide whether I should pick that call or not. I should just have a glass of wine ...it is really good for digestion. No no no...alcohol is definitely not good for me. It makes people suffer from liver cyrrhosis (I ain't sure about the spelling) ...I need to get high then I stop getting bored. I'll get liver cyrrhosis then I'll die. Alcohol will make me happy. Noo...Alcohol might make me pregnant and I'll probably not like the father of the baby. Oh guardian angel, where are you when I really need your help???

Wait a minute ....drinking with moderation is not bad. It is responsible drinking and I have a designated driver. Do I?? This dude is gonna drink with me!!!! Who the hell is gonna drive me home?? I fear for my life. I ain't gonna drink. Am I really missing this great chance of somebody actually buying me drinks during this tough economic times??? ....What the hell...I am gonna drink. You only live once_that's the motto_nigga YOLO¡¡ and I got it everyday.

Today everything is on driver, the drinks are on driver, the club, the music, the waiters all free. Driver is definitely sent from heaven. Lemme pick the call now ...I officially want to drink.

O_o 4 missed calls from driver. I must have spent too much time thinking that I didn't notice my phone ringing all that time.

WHAT THE HELL ...i'll just stay at home, switch off the lights, call my neighbour and watch a horror movie with him as we eat my popcorn and hold hold each other every time there is a scary scene.  Whoever thinks I don't have a life, you can hang yourself with tissue paper ....it is very effective btw. I doesn't leave any bruises on your neck and nobody will know what you did because you won't lose your life and won't want anyone to know the story between you and tissue. Next time you wanna commit suicide ...tissue paper is the way to go.

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KICHAPO CHA JIBWA ..wailing..

Old man is gone ....oh yeah he is gone and he is not coming back ....not coming back anytime soon. He has taken one of those trips where you spend more than 10 hours in air. OMG...the jetlag after that...I only hope old man can handle it ....handle it with grace. Old lady is gone too. She ain't gonna be back anytime soon ....even better, she calls to say that she has extended her stay in that country she had visited. Ain't I the  luckiest teenager alive?

Its time to party....hoooray:-) Tonight everything is on me, the drinks are on me, the bitches, the house, the servants all free. We gonna party all night ...no sleep. ...weed and cold drinks__that is the mother fucking recipe.

Texting everyone on the phone ....making sure I get a delivery note for each. Texting is really hard ...my  thumb extremely hurts. I NEED A THUMB MASSAGE NOW....WHERE ARE YOU MASSEAUSE...my thumb needs you asap. Well, I leave to get drinks. I come back and realise there is no change in the house. It is just like I left it. My friends start arriving. The drinking begins. I like this girls ....they are all light weights. They do save me quite a good amount of money. The boys on the other hand!!! Don't this  burgers have livers that complain?!! I incur losses because of them. We drink and drink and drink and drink and drink .....the drinking continues and continues and continues and continues and continues without stopping. TIME ISN'T WASTED WHEN YOU ARE GETTING WASTED.

This is what I should be singing in the morning "That party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it. I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked" .....wait...I should rephrase that ...................... no......I actually had a girl completely naked. "Drink my beer and smoke my weed, but my good friends is all I need ...pass out at three, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again. I love being home alone" Isn't Asher Roth just the perfect definition of a genius.

Just when I was on my level, the music went off, then everyone went quiet, then there were footsteps coming towards the living room. My two friends accompanied by someone. I was officially dead....very dead.

BIG DADDY?!?!! HE MISSED HIS FLIGHT and came back home. Now I am deader. If old lady were here, I would be deadest.

Who feels like getting into trouble with me?? Nobody ...well ....no_body. You all should remember to act like that when I ask "Who wants to get high??"

Was I grounded HELL NO...THIS AIN'T AMERICA. I was given KICHAPO CHA JIBWA. My ass was too sore, it wouldn't let me sit. I spent the rest of the week sleeping on my tummy ...it even became flat.

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Sherlock Holmes in action.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

went on a camping trip. After a

good meal and a bottle of wine

they lay down for the night, and

went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke

and nudged his faithful friend

awake. “Watson, look up at the

sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions

and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” Holmes

questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that

there are millions of galaxies and

potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that

Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I

deduce that the time is

approximately a quarter past

three. Theologically, I can see

that God is all powerful and that

we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that

we will have a beautiful day

tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute,

then spoke. “Watson, you idiot.

Someone has stolen our tent.“

Source: http://www.twd.in/jokes/

tag/intelligent-jokes

*****

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The "pharmacist"

Why is there so much  cooking on television?? This is just bad news. All that food looks so so so yummy. Damn...finger licking chicken. Perhaps I should learn how to cook other things apart from black tea. That way, I won't be jealous of all those cooks on t.v.

Anyway, I was actually in the middle of something before I got distracted by the food. I'm single again...I am a free bird. I am a free bird ...omg, this is really amazing...extremely amazing. I have just realized how awesome this is. I love being a free bird. I wanna hit on all the hot boys that I see on the road. Eye candy ...yum yum yum. I think I just saw the awesome ...most awesome thing in my life...that haircut ....wow ....omg ... I have this thing for neat haircuts...they drive me crazy.

"Hey, I wanna hook you up with this guy.  He is light, goodlooking, does pharmacy, nice haircut, got lots of money, young and interesting"

That was how my friend described the guy that I was suppossed to date  next. Why hasn't she said hot and sexy??

I really don't like hook ups. I can get my own boys and sometimes, it gets really awkward when what you were told is not exactly what you get to see. The pharmacist was given my number. I gotta admit, he sounded really great on phone. I didn't wanna have my hopes up. Its like talking to a stranger in Facebook who has Nick Canon as his profile picture and has really interesting updates. He is very vocal and kinda funny. When you get his number, he got all the interesting things to say...you are almost falling in love with him. You can't wait for his texts. When you actually meet him zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Really....how can you be so funny via text and in real life you are.....I really don't have a word to use. Please stop googling texts that are funnier than you.

On a Friday, I'm invited for lunch. I show up for lunch and I meet my friend there. Well well well ....my friend wasn't alone. She was with an elderly man. They were waiting for me so that lunch can be eaten. Me?? What has this old man got to do with me?? He almost looks as old as my old lady's husband.

They did have grapes on the table. The grapes didn't taste really sweet...they were bitter. That was a bunch of really angry grapes...they didn't want nobody to eat them. I say hi to the elderly guy. When he says who he is.....I first get shocked, then a little traumatized, then dumdfounded. Now I just wanna disappear in thin air.

What the hell!!!! This totally doesn't look like the voice on phone. What did I get myself into. And  why does my friend have a forty year old friend. Having a forty year old friend is not bad but a girl of my age having a forty year old man friend buying her lunch and flirting with her is just wrong and very unacceptable. He has a paunch...a big paunch ...bigger than my old lady's husband!!! Now I'mgetting really scared for myself. Is he also loosing hair?? I look at my friend with the  look of -are-you-sure-i-am-in-the-right-place-. Oh my goodness ...is he really asking me to stay and eat. My boobies ...he is staring at my boobies!!! How can a forty year old man stare at 20 year old boobies very shamelessly. Doesn't he have a wife?? This is so embarrassing ...my calculus lecturer is here. Oh Jesus ...save me now. Why is he forcing me to stay behind for a drink!!! I  tried saying I was sick. He said he could prescribe me the right medication. I said I needed to go to town. He said he was headed there and would give me a lift. A lift?? Maybe he is a kidnapper. I am getting high blood pressure. Call 911 now. My life was officially over.

When I finally was able to leave, my friend follows and asks "Is he that ugly??"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!"

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Mummy had weed###

It is the most boring Saturday of my life. What to do .........what to do.......what to do. Omg ...I have no idea. This is officially the worst day of my life...I really wanna die right now. Wait a minute .....I can visit my friend. They have lots of free expensive alcohol. Do I want to get high?? Yes I do. Yes I do. Yes I do.

I get  to my pal's. I sit on Chooch. Chooch is the name of my favourite couch at my friend's house. He is the second softest, most comfortable, sexiest thing that I have ever put my magnificent ass on.

I switch on the television to watch Khloe and Lamar....boooooooriiiing.....yaaaawwwwwnnnn. With Chooch right below my ass, I was totally gonna sleep. He was so comfortable. Just when I wanna close my eyes, I saw  Jack Daniels. Jack always takes me to cloud 20 just as I love it. After taking a few sips, I got this extremely genius idea. I think that is the most genius thing that I have ever thought of.

My pal had weed in the house. Making weed pancakes would have been so awesome. That is exactly what my genius brain had thought of. You can come for tips on how to be genius. We made the delicious sweet yummy yum yum pancakes.

Just after we were done, someone very unexpected showed up. The Mrs of the house. Lucky for us, we had returned Jack where we had found him. What are we gonna do to the pancakes?? Should we eat all of them?? Should we hide them in the oven?? Does she know the smell of weed?? Omg ....she is walking towards the kitchen. We have officially been caught. We are in trouble. We are so so dead... even deader. Start saying hallo to your creator. Maybe we were joining him in the next few minutes or seconds...I hope it ain't micro seconds.

She finally got to the kitchen. She always thinks that I am dating the son. At some point, I wanted him so bad but then he had a girl and I didn't wanna be a homewrecker. I couldn't stand being "that bitch". We kinda became really close friends...something I thought is ultimately impossible. I stopped wanting to misbehave with him.

How the big MUM got to the kitchen so fast before we could hide the pancakes, I still don't understand. Technically, we weren't doing anything wrong, we were having 'soda' and making 'pancakes'. Pancakes were mum's favourite. Mum was really happy to see us cooking.

MUM decided to taste the pancakes. Omg ...they were so sweet and tasty and yummy, she couldn't have enough of it. She ate six pancakes out of twelve. Poor MUM...we were all traumatized about what was gonna happen. It was 2200 hrs. What had we done?? The poor lady might just go crazy. How can she not know the sweet smell of weed.

It really didn't take long. Mum was getting all her dirty laundry. We were just watching her. She took all the laundry to the washrooms. She then went to the son's bedroom, took all his laundry and went to the washrooms. She then went to the househelp's room, took all the dirty laundry and finally felt like she was ready to start washing. She didn't even want to use the machine. She washed washed and washed and washed until she finished washing. 

We thought she would sleep after....but no no no...we were so wrong. Totally wrong. She took the mopper and mopped the whole house. She then washed all the dishes after that. The energy was still there. If Dad was around, we would have been in juvenile cell right now barefoot with really weird kids and hoping we won't have to shower.

After the dishes, she took a long bath. Thank goodness...I got time to run away. Did she ever sleep, I don't know. I just remember about the fatigue she was complaining about the next morning. The house was so clean, she wondered what had gotten into the son for him to do all the laundry. #smh

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how to lose phones

Losing a phone is very easy if you do exactly what I did.

I had my first phone when I was twelve. I was very happy and excited at that point. I was the third person in my family to own a phone. Even my older siblings did not have phones. Let's just say that I was daddy's favourite. Are you jealous yet? I know you are. You can come get lessons on how to be daddy's favourite...just like yours truly. Since I was not allowed to have Arnold in school, I'd leave him with my brother. As I was going to do my hair, I carried Arnold to the salon so I could spend a few more hours with him. I put him in my pockets and went to the salon. When I got to the salon, Arnold was missing. Where had my baby gone?? I started crying and wailing. None of those noises brought back Arnold. After doing my hair, I went home, wore my uniform and went to the car. When everyone was in the car and we were on our way to school, I told my old lady,"I have left my phone under my pillow, please take  care of it" If only she knew.

I got Chuchu after that. I loved Chuchu coz I bought her with my own money that I had conned from daddy. One fine night, I attended sexy Saturday. Imagine I didn't taste any alcoholic drink. I hope you are clapping for me right now for my good behavior. On the dance floor, the music was totally awesome, I got high on music and danced and danced and danced. I was almost getting some of my clothes off coz I was on heat ...literally. By the time I stopped being on heat, Chuchu was already taken away from me. I have been never been so sad. Though I continued dancing, I started mourning as soon as I got home. Rest in peace Chuchu.

I met Eduardo afterwards. He happened to be a present from my sister. I didn't like him coz he was ugly. I got relieved when he was stolen in a matatu as I was going to school.

Pinky was the prettiest that I ever had. Well, I never lost this one. I gave her to my brother.

In exchange, my sweet brother gave me Nick. Nick was the hottest and sexiest. Well well well...he lasted only three months. I gave him to a D.J. Don't look at me that way, he was hot and was playing really awesome music.

I got Boo after that. I only liked Boo coz he was blue and was a product of bonga points. Boo survived only a week.

Since I wasn't too attached to Boo, I traded him for Tori. Tori was super sexy but extremely noisy. I still have Tori. She has survived me for 8 months. Tori has been really lonely so I decided to get her Toot. I am teaching them how to be best friends and overlook their differences. Toot tends to be really smart that Tori gets intimidated coz of her stupidity. All I need to do is to find a way to make them connect and I'll be good to go:-) With Toot and Tori in love, they will be   invincible.

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