Video: 2 Chains - 'Stunt' (feat. Meek Mill)

Video: 2 Chains - 'Stunt' (feat. Meek Mill)

Did I have too much? Yes I did. Yes I did.

It's Friday, I got only one paper to go and happens to be a very easy paper. I can actually party and still be ready for my paper on Monday afternoon. I attend my friend's graduation party during the day. That was a nice thing I did because I felt really inspired after that. The fact that she already had jobs made ditch the idea of trying to quit school. (This had crossed my mind when I was doing my sociology paper. Most of it was like history and unfortunately, I really suck at anything that has too much theory)

At 1900hrs, my pal sent me a text telling me we should go drink. I got into comfortable shoes and ran as fast as my feeble legs could carry me. Wait....ok....I didn't run, I just walked really fast. At least I was making more than thirty steps a minute. I walk slowly because I always try to take the shortest route. With the school map in my head, I only have calculations to do.

I meet my pals halfway. I am happy because I got company all the way but they in the other hand had a different agenda why they met me halfway. Here's why.... My golddigger 'boyfriend' was around. I had not seen him or even heard from him for almost four months. My life was just starting to get well after recovery of that ordeal. Why the hell did he have to show up. My pals convinced me to go and told me all will be well. I walked the rest of the way murmuring 'all iz well' to myself hoping it would work.

When I got there, all was not well. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone was telling me 'golddigger is here' I could hear people shouting in capital letters inside my head 'GOLDDIGGER GOLDDIGGER RUN FOR YOUR LIFE' Why is that very scary statement repeating itself. Oh my goodness, I'm gonna get into a trance. I might just faint. Call me a hot male nurse. I might just need CPR. I turn my head and I meet my nightmare face to face. I don't want to say hi. I have to say hi. Should I shake his hands, I might just catch golddigging disease. What will happen to my poor soul after I catch the abominable disease?? Oh goodness, my life is officially in danger. I am dead.

Did I say hi? Yes I did, yes I did. I definitely deserve a clap for that. I said hi....I'll say that a lot coz I feel like it is a huge step in my life....I said hi. I hope you get the point now. After saying hi, I bought my 400ml vodka and my energy drink. I drank it and drank till I finished it. Did I finish it? Yes I did. Yes I did. 

Things were still not looking pretty. Do I need more 'V ions'?? Yes I do Yes I do. My nightmare wasn't looking any better. Another 400ml for me. People now start looking pretty. I drink more so that I can see people at their prettiest. My pals left to go sleep. Lucky for me, they left with my nightmare. I stayed behind, there was some event and I thought it would be nice to dance a little. Was kinda long since I shook my ass. When the DJ played the song that I liked, I was so excited that I rewarded him with my phone. I was in love with the DJ. Yes I was. Yes I was.

O_o that party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it. I danced my ass off and gave a DJ my phone. Wait ....whaaaat.....what did I do??? My phone is really gone.  .....and I gave it to a DJ!! Who does that?  I'm in deep shit with old lady. I better start coming up with a believable lie.   

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Sleep is a bitch

Oh my goodness. I am suffering from a serious case of insomnia. Even with the good relationship I have with my bed, sleep is still a bitch. I think it is high time I got treatment ......if I really love my life. All these nocturnal habits are driving me nuts. I envy the people who are actually asleep. I'm scratching my head thinking about what I will do to it tomorrow. Should I get another haircut??? I can't plait my hair. No way....plaiting doesn't make my hair look good. It takes so long to plait. My ass will get stiff and tired and eventually stop bouncing. I love me a bouncing booty. I want my booty bouncing. I also don't want to sit down so much, my ass might just flatten. Something I would rather not imagine.

Everyone in this house is asleep. I wonder what they are dreaming about. Maybe there is a night runner outside. The guy I was texting has unfortunately gone to bed. Now I am all alone in this world that should totally be feared only because it's ground can decide to swallow you any minute. I feel like doing something fishy but I might just get into trouble. Oh yes...I should totally do naked yoga. Nobody is gonna see me except the darkness. I just remembered that there was yoghurt in this house. Since I will be the last to wake up, I'm highly likely to find nothing left for me. People in this house always seem to forget about the baby. Lemme go hide the yoghurt so that nobody finishes it for me.

Today in town I got a stomach upset. I really think it was that chicken that I had eaten for lunch. The chicken was so very extremely delicious. I walked to the nearest chemist to get at least something to reduce the pain. That pharmacist gave me anti malarial drugs. I still don't understand how that was gonna cure my upset. I sent my sister to the same chemist just to get anti acids so I could relax a little.

What is gonna happen to me in future. Perhaps I should stop living one minute at a time and get a little bit more serious with my life....you know, start living one day at a time. I see myself living in a house with my kids. I can't see a husband. Does that mean I will grow old alone and lonely. This thought is very disturbing. Somebody please marry me now. I ain't under age in case you are wondering. I choose to think positively. Yes, positive thinking is the way to go.

0133 hours .....really #!! Is the time also against me. Why isn't morning here yet. I need to see the sun rising and perhaps get more constructive thoughts. Did you know that there are more chickens than people in the world? I bet you didn't...and...wait for it...boom goes the dynamite ...I am a genius...I am a genius.  I wanna do a happy dance but I can't. I'm actually doing it in my head.

The darkness really inconveniences me. It shows up at all the wrong times, when I totally lack sleep. What the hell is darkness? Is it the opposite of light or the absence of light. Isn't English sometimes just complicated #smh. Darkness is only but the absence of light. I would like to explain this using facts but I am too tired and I'm pretty sure that question will not come in a test.

I have been running around all day and now I need a full body massage. There is nobody to give me a massage :-( This is a tragedy.  Officially, it is the worst night since my folks even thought of conceiving the beautiful me. How can the universe be asleep when I need it most. What the hell, I will massage myself. This is turning out to be a disaster. I am no ninja :-( This is a tragedy. Somebody call for help before I hurt myself trying to massage myself. Can somebody please hear me out :-(  I'm just gonna close my eyes and sleep like a baby.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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THE BOY and scary mommy

THE BOY is one of the most interesting characters that I have ever met. He is a little bit of a weed head. He is nice company only when you want to party. When you feel like studying, just block his number or else you will be getting all retakes or supplementaries. He has a way of convincing anyone to do shit.

One fine afternoon, he stole his mother's car. He picked up his friends. Five boys, in their second year of high school, driving without a license and going to drink. I'll make sure I'll watch my kids like a hawk. Since most of them had curfews at that age, they went drinking during the day. Mark was to be home by 1600hrs before mommy got back from work. The drinking became too good and unfortunately, it was time to go home. Unfortunately, the designated driver was too drunk to drive and the clock read 1555hrs. One of the pals had to drive the drunk boys home. They drove into THE BOY's compound, carried him out of the car and put him right outside the door of mommy's house. They knocked the door and ran away before getting caught by scary mommy. Fortunately, it was the cousin who opened the door. THE BOY went straight to bed with the cousin's help.

Finally, it was time for dinner. Scary mommy is the one who wakes THE BOY up for dinner. He happens to be very unresponsive. Just like any other mother, mommy was worried. She thinks her son is sick and in danger. She called her neighbors to help her carry the heavy and sick boy to the car. That car was driven to hospital at 2100hrs. The boy was taken to see the doctor. It didn't take long before the doctor uncovered what the actual problem is. THE BOY had actually insisted that he had drunk only coke.

Doctor doctor called mommy mommy and told on baby baby...#snitch. The slap he got from mommy made him see stars ...white stars...very white stars. How he regained soberness and was able to walk all the way to the car steadily is still a mystery that I am trying to uncover. Wish me success. By the way, mommy had a very gigantic palm he felt a very annoying ringing in the ear for the next few seconds . Every mommy should be given gigantic hands....in case the babies go bananas. 

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Pool pervert.

I went swimming. Something I do about 10 times in one decade. I have a serious case of hydrophobia, it is very serious, extremely serious, very very serious. I hope you now get the point. I fear especially large pools of cold water. Despite my fear, I do shower everyday...just in case you were wondering. I went swimming at this hotel in my hometown. When I got to the hotel, I saw so many people that I used to know from somewhere. I studied with some when I was in primary school. I went to the same Sunday school with others. I was a pretty awesome Sunday school baby. It was awesome seeing them again and knowing that they were fine. I'm unfortunately not so good with names. Why do I remember names of people who don't remember me then I don't remember names of people who actually remember me.

I wanted to run away. There was at least one person I remembered at every corner. As I got into the pool area, I was praying hard that only one or even none remembers me. I was trying so hard to avoid walking around the pool saying hi to long lost people. I was dressed in very bright colors and didn't want to attract any attention. 

Since the changing room was closest to me, I got inside and started looking at myself in the mirror. I had a tough decision to make ....should I get out or just stay inside here till everyone I remember goes away.

Sometimes when I am alone, I make faces or even talk to myself. This particular day, I was doing both. I was rehearsing how the conversation might go with each person that I remembered especially if we had nothing in common. I especially wanted to make sure that I say nothing that will make them know that I can't remember their names.

"Hey, wassup:-)"

"Good afternoon."

"How are you doing?"

"You look familiar, do you remember me from somewhere?"

"Hey I remember you from primary school."

"Hey sexy, you have grown so hot:-)"

"You look so different from the last time I saw you."

"I know you ...your voice didn't sound like that back then:-)"

"Omg....you are still so short, I should get you fertilizer:-)"

"Do you remember hitting on me back then?"

This was becoming interesting. I thought those were pretty cool conversation starters. I came to realise later that some of them would have just landed me a blow on my nose. I couldn't imagine walking around with a bulbous nose. As I was still practising my hot starter lines, I got the courage to strip and get into my costume.

Just when I was almost stack naked, I heard him say, "you know, I've always liked you you since back then."

What did I just hear? Am I dreaming? I just heard a man's voice or was it a boy......maybe lady man is here!! What is he doing in a lady's changing room? Oh my goodness, I'm naked, almost stack naked. Should I cover my face of my punani? A stranger just saw my stuff :-( Omg, I am gonna collapse. Somebody call an ambulance. Get a hot doctor to give me CPR. I wish I had magic.

I breathed in and out, in and out, in and out. "Wait there" I pulled up my trousers up, fastened my belt, fastened my bra, walked up to him and held his balls. "Do you want me to pinch these lovely babies with my lovely long nails?" At least I didn't have to tell him to get out. He was already hot on his heels. He had an ass...lol. To everyone, lemme know if you want your balls pinched :-)

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Tiny "small man"

This is about a pal of mine. I thought this was too funny and sad too. I've been calling her the whole day trying to get her to let me blog this. Finally she said yes but with one condition, she has to edit it before I post it.

My pal was in this school where she took only three hours of afternoon classes everyday. There was this cute guy in her class. She always looked forward to class so she could see the guy. He was tall and funny. They would hang out a lot after class. With time, they developed chemistry.

My pal is quite blessed in all the right areas. She is so sexy with a perfect figure. She had so many boys chasing after her. You would want to tap her if you saw her. Eye candy:-)

They used to text a lot and post mushy mushy things on each other's Facebook walls. That there was pretty annoyingly annoying. Some day after class, he invited her to his place.

The events that happened after they got to his place .....

She thought she was going for coffee. The poor innocent girl. They got to his place. He went to change his T-shirt. He also put something in his pocket. If you get the flow of my story, you probably know what he put in the pocket. Just when she had made herself comfortable. She thought coffee was on it's way because she had seen the househelp on her way to the kitchen. He went in with a black T-shirt and came out with a white one.

She had already found a comfort zone when she was asked to stand up and they were leaving. Leaving to???.....she didn't know. No coffee :-(...the poor girl.

Where they went, haha, lol....small room. Bedsitter that belonged to his friend. They get into into the house. Loud music is put on. He starts kissing her. Sadly, he was a pathetic kisser. What the hell was that he was doing with his teeth!!!! I think he even bit her. Her lips were swollen the next day. He removed her top, did some stuff to her boobies. She had hickies all over...was he biting her!!! In no time, all her clothes were off and they did the 'do' and the awkwardness kicked in.

This is a little bit funny and sad. My pal was a virgin. After the 'do', she was still a virgin. This leaves me with a lot of questions that I prefer not to ask. 

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Jay, Stewart and bitchy Candy

I met Jay when I joined baby class. I was 3 and he was 4. We became really good friends. He used to feed me sometimes. He was short cute and light. That same year, I met Stewart. He was short, chubby and chocolate. He also used to help me eat. In case you are wondering why I needed help to eat, here is the reason ...I didn't see the need when all the food ended up in the toilet.  They would tell me that if I didn't eat, they wouldn't be my boyfriend. I thought boyfriend's were people who help girls...just as mommy had told me. I was not ready to lose helpers.  They would pick up my spoon and feed me.

Candy was one of my girlfriend's. The four of us were friends for the next few years. Candy was chubby with a cute baby face.

I grew really fond of Jay. In my fourth year of primary school, we were really close friends.

Candy had a thing for both Jay and Stewart. Jay had a thing for me. Stewart had a thing for me. I had a thing for Jay. Jay and Stewart were best friends. Candy and I were enemies. I don't know what I ever did to Candy, she was so so so so so so bitchy to me that year. She would laugh at me when I got into trouble. Poor me. It is actually a miracle that I survived the bitch. 

There's this weekend that I spent almost all my time with Jay. (Where the hell was my mum when I was doing all these??) Jay asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited, I said YES:-) I have a very vivid picture of that day. What I didn't know is the scandal that awaited me in school. I was gonna have a very long week.

I was kinda the 'it girl', everyone wanted to know what was happening to me. I was the trendsetter. Girls in my class would ask for my opinion before doing anything. If I said no, they would put an end to what they were planning.

We had two streams in school. I was in blue. Jay, Stewart and Candy were in red. In the middle of Tuesday's class meeting, I was called to go to red. Somehow everyone in red was waiting for me. There must have been a juicy story that involved me. I felt like a celebrity trying to avoid papparazi...lol.

Here is what was happening ....

Candy went to her class teacher and said, "Sarah is Jay's girlfriend. Stewart sent Sarah a red rose flower. Jay kissed Sarah on Sunday."

I still fail to understand what wrong I had done. Since when do people get into trouble for kisses and roses :-( Everything revolved around me. I still don't understand how everything became a class issue. I stood to Joel's right while Candy stood to his left. Joel was Candy's teacher. It was like a court house. I still was wondering what I had done till when Jay said that I had done no mistake. When I was asked if I received a rose, I denied it. When I was asked if I kissed Jay, I said no. That's because Jay asked me not to say yes. When I was asked if. Jay was my boyfriend, I kept quiet and started crying. I didn't know that crying would mean no. The case was closed due to lack of evidence and witnesses. I left the class smiling after Jay winked at me. Poor Candy, she changed schools just because she could not stand not being popular. Jay kissed me again that day coz I didn't say anything to get us into trouble. He also walked me home, bought me candy and did my homework which I corrected almost everything afterwards. Stewart remained single and lonely. The poor boy. By the way, all of Candy's accusations were true. She spent so much time spying on me.  

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Joan or John???? LADY MAN :-)

Joan ...a short dark lady. Round headed, had a moustache, some 'whiskers'. She was very fit. She used to run every morning and had biceps made of solid iron. She shaved her hair bald and had red eyes. She pretty much had unnoticeable boobies and her ass was almost flat. To add salt to injury, she wore male pants. I'm pretty sure you got an almost vivid image in your head. Don't you just think she should have been called John. If this was a puzzle, John would have made a perfect finish. I think her name was John when she was born then she probably discovered that she had a "Kitty cat" later in life. ....and Oh My Goodness, lady man got scary toe nails. Not even one year of pedicure would help.

Lady man was our househelp when I was 6. At 6, I had just joined my first year of primary school. I was this pretty chubby little daughter of my old lady. Well, she was pretty young and sexy then.  

I lived near school. It was a walking distance. When John first showed up at my house, I was sure she was male.  Don't blame me, you would have thought the same if you were in my shoes.

Everyday, I would get a ride to school on lady man's back. Her back was just as comfortable as my bed. My shoes were polished so well, I could almost see my reflection. I was always the neatest girl in school every morning. As she dropped me at the school gate, she would say, "Rudi nyumbani ukiwa mchafu ...utajua mimi ni nani..." She would then move her index finger across her neck and widen her red eyes. I would have nightmares just coz of that look. Other kids would see her and walk two metres away from her. I would then run as fast as my feeble legs could carry me to the washrooms before I had the chance to pee on myself. The whole day I would not play at all. If I play, I get dirty, if I get dirty, lady man will cut off my throat, if lady man cuts off my throat, I die, If I die, I won't get the chance to kiss hot boy when I turn 11. 

On a beautiful Saturday, lady man would clean the house thoroughly. We would be kicked out of the house before the cleaning was done. Those worst part was getting back into the house. Only clean kids were allowed inside. Lady man wanted to make us shower from outside so that we could get inside the house when we are sparkling clean. She would carry our nude bodies into the house. She had a long long lllllllooooonnnnngggggg cane in her manly hands. She would use it on anyone who refused to shower. Just before I removed my clothes, my old lady showed to save the day. With the cane in lady man's hand and my unstoppable yelling and wailing, old lady had enough evidence to fire lady man. I wonder how she used to carry me....I was a heavy and round little baby...and I mean rround.

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I got no title

I feel like crap today. My old lady is around and she tends to get really noisy sometimes. Don't get me wrong,  I love my old lady, I just don't like the noise she makes. She would make the most annoying parrot. She woke me up at 0600hrs to do laundry. That was 5 hours earlier than my usual wake up time. I ain't lazy, I just have a serious case of insomnia. How can she wake me up exactly two hours after I had slept. I felt like I was in military camp. The annoying part is that, she stood there looking at me and pulling off my blanket until I got out of bed.

I have no inspiration today. I feel like a cabbage. Someone should hit my head, I need to know whether I still have a brain.

The weather is totally fucked up. I can't get out of this house. Thank goodness old lady is at work. I would have gone bananas. One day I will pretend to have gone bananas but I need to work on my pathetic acting skills.

I am all alone in my bedroom. I am really cold. I don't think the warmth my duvet is providing is enough. I wanna cuddle a little. I hate being the small kid in the family. I can't bring my 'boyfriend' at home just because my brother and sister have never brought anyone of theirs home. The last time I brought a boy home, I was asked whether I wanted to get married. If only my old lady knew the guy was two years younger than me.

I was in hospital earlier today. I am not sick ...I have a very strong immune system. Something got into my sister's eye. We hoped the thing would go away but instead it got worse. Nobody felt like taking a matatu to hospital. My genius brother called my old lady and told her that my sister was having convulsions. He shouldn't have done that. Old lady showed up with a government vehicle in exactly two and a half minutes.

I randomly decide to see a dentist. My teeth have been a little sensitive lately. Perhaps I should stop kissing. Since there was no queue, I opened the door to see the doctor. I saw the doctor. I saw him and he saw me too. Yes he saw me and He stared at me with an I-will-beat-you-to-death expression on his face. The expression on my face ...naughty-naughty-getting-a-little-something-something.  Before I actually get killed, this is what I saw. The nurse was buttoning her top. The doctor had lipstick on his cheeks. And the nurse's hair ....oh my goodness ....you can only imagine. All I can tell you is that I didn't get my teeth checked and I closed the door very tight behind me. I tried peeping but sadly, that door had no holes.

Lemme just sleep and imagine myself cuddling. I can't even imagine anything. I think my brain needs a little repair.     

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Daft: My last day as a freshman ...

Daft: My last day as a freshman ...

My last day as a freshman ...

My last weekend in school happened to be very eventful. It all started on a Thursday morning. I woke up early in the morning to study for my entrepreneurship paper. It went pretty well. It was a two hour paper that I happen to finish in forty minutes. Ain't I a genius?  I deserve a crown..... right on my ass. I was out of the exam room by 1000hrs. I was the third to leave. Sadly, I have to share my 'genius' title with the first two. Just for the record, I was the first to finish. Modesty glued me to my chair. I went to have breakfast then sat down to start revising for my calculus paper. I was literally starting my revision at 1100hrs. 30 minutes into the revision, I got a text that I tried so very much to ignore. My efforts to ignore hit a rock and I finally gave in. 10 minutes later I was out of school going to see my pal. My pal? ....not really. I wanted to be more than friends with this guy. This is a warning to all girls ....NEVER KISS A BOY YOU LIKE JUST BEFORE A CALCULUS TEST. I went back to school just a little bit messed up in the head. Who am I kidding, I was totally messed up. On a scale of 1 to 10, I was at 9.99999999. Don't round it of please. I couldn't revise for the rest of the day. There is one thing I did so well, smiling sheepishly to myself.

At 1530hrs, I called my classmate to find out where the exam was to be done. At 1900hrs I was done with my calculus paper. The paper was awesome. Turns out kissing the boy you like before a paper is not such a bad idea.

From the exam room, to my room then to students bar. I had my water bottle. When a pal of mine borrowed me water, she spit it out. Here's the deal about my water bottle, it always has something alcoholic in it. I'm so sorry for all the sober people who have been introduced to alcohol via my water bottle, I am extremely sorry for not warning you. Somehow, my drink was over before I could realize. I don't know who was 'kind' enough to help me finish it. Anyway, I forgot about my drink when I sheesha.

My number one love. Sheesha and I have a relationship that cannot be defined. All I can tell you is that I can ditch everyone just for sheesha. You should try mixing that shit with weed. It will take you somewhere higher than cloud 20. And if you like a chik who does sheesha, try blowing smoke into her mouth. You will thank me for this one day.

I had my own business to accomplish that night. I was hoping to be successful. Unfortunately, a nagging pal of mine showed up. I do love her and I don't like disappointing her. She made me get into Kalvo's car then convinced me that we would be back in an hour. One hour became two, two became three and we were in Kasarani. From Kasarani to Lang'ata. From Lang'ata to Westlands. In Westlands, we stayed at the packing lot for an hour. The three boys in that car asked Kalvo to take us home because it was morning. Kalvo was still drunk. He refused to take us home. When one of the boys threatened to beat Kalvo, Kalvo drove all of us to the police station in town and said "You can now beat me here." I stood up, with the help of my cowardice and left for school before I was caught by policemen. I really didn't care so much anyone else's ass. I can only imagine what would have happened to me in those cells. I'd probably be in rehab still recovering from the disturbing things I would have seen. Even a weed addict wouldn't be as disturbed as I would be. I was happy I got to school safe but sad that I didn't accomplish my business. I have postponed it to next year April. I hope the three boys will still be around:-)  

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My life in 'prison'

When I was 12, I was in a certain school. It had grills all around it with extremely tall walls. The walls were designed to hold me back from the freedom I longed for.

When I opened school, the next time I would see outside was after 3 months. That was the same amount of time it took to see my parents again. I was always sick on opening school dates. When I tell my mum that I am sick. She would give me medicine and hug me telling me that I would get better. However sick I got, there always would be medicine.>>>disadvantages of having a doctor mum. Every time my dad drove me into school, I'd start crying. Omg...I must have been such a cry baby.

I always started my classes on the first day of school. Before class, we had an inspection to make sure nobody snuck in food. It was illegal to have lotion, just petroleum jelly. A sweet wrapper was enough to get one a donkey's beating. After inspection, I go to the dormitory, leave my bag then go to class for my first lesson. I had to make sure I was in time to avoid any hazardous happenings.

Anyone who hadn't done their homework was ready to borrow my book. Not doing homework was equal to murder in the real world. You would be thrashed thoroughly. Dark kids would turn purple as light kids like me turn from pink to red.

Lunch time was just a......I don't have a word for it. Kids would run to the dinning hall. Food was already served on plates. Three spoons were enough to finish the food. Then comes the showering part. Now.....this was just horrific. Naked girls running in and out of the dormitory. I was praying hard that all the lesbians there would think I was some grotesque figure.

I can't forget the chapatis we used to eat. They were worse than unleavened bread. The worst part was that it was compulsory to finish two of those. I was permanently disturbed ....and the fried eggs _omg_they had soup!! I felt like I was in juvenile prison. 

The worst was when I got 98% in science and I missed a simple question. My teacher came into class and told me " Kilimanjaro juu" I gotta tell you, my ass grew really big and red like a super ripe tomato. Sadly, I couldn't sit down. The ass was sexy though.

My kids will be home schooled under my supervision. I don't want them getting big asses.   

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Hot boy drove me crazy when i was 11.

There is this guy I liked in my 6th year of primary school. I was 11 years old. This guy had just joined my school. He was talking really nice Swahili. I had just been kicked out of home and taken to boarding school. ( this was the most horrifying experience in my life...Story of another day) Back to my hhhhhhot boy.....he sat at the back of the class. I sat at the front right next to the door and the time table was just above my head. On the second day of school, I noticed someone standing next to my desk in a maroon jacket. He was checking the timetable. I raise my head and the first thing that comes to my head is ......DAMN _EYE CANDY...right above my head...yummiest :-p  I have never stared at someone for that long using the corner of my eyes. My eyelids were hurting...I had to take pain killers for that. I thought I had stones inside. 

My parents once told me to always go for what I want. I want this boy. I want him to be mine. Really destructive thinking for an 11 year old. That is as far as it went. I kinda didn't even start chasing. I was a very focused girl and I always maintained first position in my class. I continued to read my books so I could maintain my outstanding performance. I still wonder why I read like someone who is doing 3 degrees.

The next day I realised hot boy was a boarder like me. My heart skipped a little when I noticed him over supper. After about a week, when I was almost giving up on ever talking to him, he came and asked for my help in a mathematical problem.

I looked at the question and smiled coz it was a very easy question. I have never felt more useful...or maybe he just needed a reason to talk to me. I never wanted that moment to end. From that time, we started saying hi to each other.

One day he got into trouble. He was punished in front of everyone. I felt so bad. I started crying in front of everyone. Everyone saw me crying ...and the secret was finally out. I was hot boy's girlfriend. Dating was a felony in my school. So, we sadly had to break up.I still used to cry for him though. Sweet ....isn't it?

At some point hot boy told me that he loved me. I got so scared that I reported it to the senior teacher. That day, I got born again. I felt like I had sinned by listening to hot boy. It happened to be a beautiful Sunday. Hot boy got punished for saying he loved me. I cried again. I was almost wailing. I ain't sure if I was crying for me or him.

In my seventh year of primary school, hot boy and I started talking again. Actually, he only told me one single word the whole year. It was after evening prep...hot boy told me goodnight. The next day, I went to my class teacher and reported hot boy for telling me goodnight. He was punished again. I still feel guilty for that one. The poor boy was just being nice.

Hot boy and I were permanently put in separate classes. I was a teacher's pet and he wasn't. That was something bitchy I did over there. I still wanna apologize to hot hot boy but sadly, I don't know where to find him. Please forgive me hot boy >>>puppydolleyes<<<  I am so sorry. Come back and marry me:-)    

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Did that guy just do that! !!!!

It is Friday. I am from visiting my sister in school. I got this heavy laptop on my back. I was so heavy, I felt worse than what I felt the last time I tried lifting weights. My friend calls when I am in town. I pass by a shopping mall to see him. I should never have done that. It was a deadly mistake. I got detailed. Where to put my laptop? ?? Will it be safe? ?? I am wearing denim pants and a long sleeved top. Totally not appropriate for rave. I looked almost like an Eskimo.

Even with all those malfunctions, I was possible to derail. I think I should fall more in love with my bed.

We take my sister's laptop to a secure place. Let the party begin. We hang out in town a little then decide to go to Westlands. I was the only lady in the company of 6 boys. There was this one 'special' dude.

This is how it all began ..................................................................

Could you pay my bus fare, I don't have loose cash?

Let's go make out at the car park. (Just for the record, none of those cars at the car park belonged to us)

Do you have enough money for two beers?

Do you have money I get vodka?

I don't have a place to sleep, please don't leave me stranded.

Let's go to my pal's place.

Let's go to another pal's place.

Let's sit on the stairs and call everyone .....almost everyone in your phone book.

Let's go to another pal's place.

>>>>>>I am tired, cold and hangovered. We haven't reached yet where we are going and I am almost bankrupt coz of paying everything in double. My patience is wearing out and I want to kill this boy.

Finally, a place to sleep. Was he really shamelessly trying to fondle with my stuff!!!! Boy got nerve.

I sleep for 2 hours and then wake up and tip toe outside. I am relieved when I get home.

Monday morning :::

Could you send me ksh 300....I am really stranded?

..........................and that was how it ended.

I still think that guy is mentally impaired.  

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I was thinking..............................

I happen to be feeling really sentimental today. I suddenly kinda miss having a boyfriend. The song I am listening to isn't making the situation any better. It is 0230hrs and I am not yet feeling sleepy. Insomnia is my bff. It's weird that I am feeling this way yet I am listening to Eminem, Bow-wow and Drake. This night is gonna be really long.

I have actually started thinking about my life ...love life to be precise. I see myself as a successful woman in future with very beautiful babies but no husband. I have never seen myself in a wedding gown. Is this weird? ??? I'm starting to worry about me. I have met many nice guys but then they mention the word love and I run away.

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl too. Boy says I love you. Girl runs away.

Boy meets girl. Boy flirts with girl. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Boy says he doesn't do relationships. Girl feels better coz she fears commitment.

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl flirt for so long. As long as nothing is defined, girl likes it.

Girl meets boy. Girl gets interested. Boy is UNAVAILABLE.

Boy meets girl. Boy golddigs girl. Girl runs away.

Boy meets girl. Boy says "I wanna fuck you." Girl gets a trauma attack and is rushed to hospital in an ambulance.

I don't want to fall in love. I kinda have this check list.

Fall in love at 27.

Get married at 30.

Get a baby at 34.

Being too much of a free spirit sometimes lands me into a lot shit. I got to pull myself together. I almost have no boundaries. I do have the moral capacity to follow rules though.

I should have a man cleanse. Try sticking to one boy at a time. This topic is really boring>>>>yawning<<<<<<

I am a serial flirt....sometimes, I don't even know I am doing it. My apologies if made your boyfriend stop listening to you for a second....it's my weakness. The thing is, I only compliment guys I like. I flirt with all hot dudes but I only compliment the ones that I really like. As much as I miss being someone's girl, I don't want a boyfriend. I love my life at the moment. It ain't perfect but it's totally awesome. I seldom have emotional needs so a boyfriend is not necessary. I am also annoyingly not a needy girlfriend and I don't want to make any dude feel useless.

I don't know if I made any sense. I kinda needed to write this crap.

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My fairy tale.

My eight month fairy tell. This kinda happened few months ago but I just love using present tense. It's some time beginning of April. I meet this guy in a chemist that is inside the estate I stay in. He is really cute and gets even cuter when he asks for my number. If I noticed earlier that he wasn't hot and sexy, I wouldn't be in this situation that is beyond redemption. I now have permanent fear for cute boys. I stick to hot and sexy. Cute boy took my number on a Friday then I meet him 52 hours later. He was pretty interesting.  It takes 5 more dates then I start dating him. This is an experiment I am trying. I have never been in a serious relationship before. We had a whirlwind of romance. I am very sure I am not in love. That word love is creepy, very creepy in fact.

With time, I realize _____________________________________________________________________cute boy has lied about his age. Cute boy laughs really badly. Cute boy thinks I will be his wife.__WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Cute boy thinks I will have babies, his babies._HORROR MOVIE _BLEUGH... Cute boy is a spendthrift. Cute boy is a quitter _really bad quality. Cute boy was once a school drop out _this is normal. Cute boy doesn't take vodka _sad, this is one of my favorite drinks. Cute boy takes sweet wine _gayish tendency. Cute boy's email address has the word 'cutie' in it _so gay.

I happen to be trying so hard to hide cute boy. Cute boy is trying so hard not to be hidden. He even wants to attend extended family functions. I would have invited him only he would be all over me. He is also the type that can tell my mum "I love your daughter and I want to marry her" My old lady would kick me out, she would make me choose between marriage and education. Marriage ...HELL NO. I have seen my grandparents_I am not trying to end up like them. At some point, cute boy followed me all the way to Kakamega. _that is a ten hour drive. In case I forgot earlier, cute boy is psychotic too. If he were my son, I'd take him to rehab.

This is November, I have no idea I'm gonna be single by the end of this month. "If you ain't gonna have my babies, I will move on without you" "I'll pack my shit tomorrow morning and leave." And this is the end of my experiment. I am so relieved. PHEW:-)   

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Disturbing holiday

I have been in Kakamega for the past few days. I have seen and heard a lot of hilarious shit. On my way to Kakamega, I used some Nissans popularly known as shuttles. I regretted trying to save money. I think I had the longest day of my life. On my right was my sister (thank God), on my left, was this really old man. I put on my pink  head phones and started listening to my music. For two minutes, I felt like I was in heaven. I was nodding my head and tapping my feet to Bon Jovi's 'Its my life' when I felt someone squeezing my poor biceps. So, I put my headphones around my neck and decided to listen to what he had to say. "Unaenda kakameka??" He asked. You know, I was a lil bit offended. That guy committed 3 crimes...

1. He invaded my territory by squeezing my biceps.

2. He robbed me off the chance of listening to my favorite song and feeling like I was in heaven.

3. He asked me a question that I consider stupid.

I thought, lemme spare the old man. He probably doesn't know what he is doing. If he was a little man, I would have given him a piece of my mind. By little man, I mean anyone without grey hair. For the rest of the journey, I couldn't listen to my music because the old man was poking his nose into my business. Ninety percent of what I told him wasn't true. I'm not in the habit of giving my details to strangers.

As soon as I got home, I was totally relieved. I hadn't sat for ten minutes when we heard the wife to my neighbor screaming. My neighbor's wife was stack naked. She was also running, and screaming too. Behind her was the husband. He had a cane in his hand. He had raised the cane high in the sky ready to land it on the wife's naked ass. Behind him were his little kids. The kids were running after their parents in a single file. They were busy wailing and chanting some words that I couldn't hear. I'd like to think they were saying 'Daddy, samehea mummy'....I guess they were saying that in their mother tongue. (Please picture this -i found it funny) My neighbors in Kakamega are too inhuman. Instead of helping the poor naked lady, they were watching and trying to find out what the wife had done so they can know whether she deserves the punishment or not. It actually became a police case.

Since I came to Kakamega, I have been very stupid. One morning, I saw a tree with green fruits. I asked my mum what fruits those were. My cousin quickly answered that it was an avocado tree. Then my mum said, it's a mango tree. I decided to stare at the fruits keenly so I know who was telling the truth. I couldn't figure out what the yellow fruits were. Then it hit me that avocados ain't yellow. I should have hang myself with tissue paper for being that stupid.  

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The day i thought my 40 days were over.

This day I almost got busted by my old lady. It's a normal Friday afternoon waiting for something random for the night. My pal gives me a call. She promises to pass by my school on her way home. At around 1730hrs, my pal shows up. I get really excited until I see the dude behind her. My day is suddenly messed up. I can't say that I hate this boy.....I just don't like him. He has got this really weird hair, which is very disturbing for me, especially since I have a fetish for really neat haircuts. Since my school has a really awesome bar, they decided to have one drink before leaving. What I didn't know was that they were already a little drunk. They just needed one more drink to reach cloud 20. We walk to the bar, the place is extremely full. We got a really bad sitting place. They didn't really mind, they were already high. One beer become two, two became vodka ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I woke up in the morning. I still had on the previous day's clothes. I was in my bed. My underwear was still in tact...THANK GOD. my head was pounding. I was fatigued. I felt like I was run over by a truck. I think a bell was ringing right in my ears. My phone rung. It was a call that I always dread...my OLD LADY. I was supposed to meet her in town. I ask her to give me one hour. She says it's fine. I shower really quick and brush my teeth. After dressing up, I get back into bed, call my old lady, tell her I can't make it because I am really sick. Little did I know, this was the worst decision I have ever made my entire life. My old lady decided to come see me in school. What was I gonna do??? I wasn't even supposed to be living inside school. I hide my clothes so that she doesn't notice I live there. I was to tell her that was my pal's place.

As soon as she arrives, I tell her I got food poisoning. My sister is not helping because she is very aware of what is going on. In case I did not mention earlier, my old lady is a doctor, she also has this very holy image of her little baby. She looked at my pale face, my eyes, the way I was throwing up. She told me that I either had malaria or typhoid. She dismissed food poisoning as I had told her earlier. She then decided that she would take me to the school's health unit. At this point, I knew I was dead. I had no fucking disease, I had a fucking hangover. I started scheming how I would stop her from taking me to hospital.

I was so relieved when I realised she had to leave before 1400hrs because she had to travel. I asked her to take me to the health unit and leave me there. When we got to the health unit, she told me bye and left me seated. Five minutes after she left, I wished all the other patients a quick recovery and then left and went back to my room. After all these, I realised how much my old lady loves me. You know what "I love you too mum"

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random Saturday

Today is going to be a really awesome day. First of all, I woke up really early. By early I mean 0740hrs. Normally, when I am on holiday, I wake up at 1000hrs. I am very proud of me and you should be too. The first thing that I did after waking up was pee. Just for the record, I have never peed in the morning when I am just from bed. I will never drink water before sleeping again. Waking up to the toilet is not funny at all....I prefer waking up to the kitchen. Apart from the toilet,, everything about this morning is great. I have actually done something really unusual ....I HAVE READ TWENTY PAGES OF A NOVEL. I should get an award for this. That was like food for my brain. It felt so good by the way. Now I feel like total genius ....ask me anything and you will be surprised at how fast I will answer. (Is there a genius dance or should I come up with my own???)

Anyway, I was talking about today being a great day. ...................is anybody at least going to ask me why! !! Even if you don't ask, I will still tell. I am going to get a house of my own and I am extremely happy. Getting my own house happens to be a result of coning my parents but that is a story of another day. ((((My uncle just asked me to go clean a clean kitchen ...I think he is going crazy. )))))) Back to my story, I was going to look for a house. All I can think about is privacy. Finally, I won't have my roommates exiling me because they want to get busy with their boyfriends. I won't have to exile anybody when I want to get busy with ............. I don't know what to write there coz I don't have a boyfriend but I do get some. At least I won't have to borrow a venue for my birthday party. I will also stay away from our school bar...;what the hell, who am I cheating. That bar is my second home. It has everything that I like: boys, alcohol and meat. Pray for my house hunt to be successful. Later :-)