Monday, 13 June 2011
Shower that will wipe your butt clean in no time
If you think that your “ working-class” shower isn’t quite as effective as you’d like it to be, then you’ll want to have a look at the $100 ,000 Silver TAG Shower . This baby comes equipped with 18 computer-controlled showerheads, including one that looks to be specially made to clean dirty derrières, and features six zones, which can be individually customized for temperature and water pressure. The whole thing is controlled via a touch screen that is located right outside the shower. Come on, you know you want it! Having the world’s cleanest butt is definitely worth $100 ,000 !
A DIVA'S PRAYER
Armani...which art in Hermes, hallowed be thy Gucci, thy Cartier watch, thy Prada bag on Rodeo, as it is in Tiffany's. Give us this day, our Visa Gold, and forgive us this Overdraft, as we forgive those who stop our Mastercard. Lead us not into JC Penney and deliver us from Sears. For thine is the Channel, the Gaultier and the Versace, for Dolce and Gabbana. AMEX.
HANGOVER
1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86 'd you at 1 :45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You' ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4 th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86 'd you at 1 :45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You' ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4 th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
Alcohol warnings
Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/ or species you can't remember).
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time- space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/ or species you can't remember).
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time- space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Monday, 16 May 2011
First Days in School
I finally joined campus. I haven’t exactly been waiting for this moment. I love school only because it keeps me away from my hawk eyed mother. (She loves prying into my secret life so much btw). Anyway, we were talking about me and campus. I have joined Kenyatta University. If you don’t know where it is, just run along Thika road and you will find it on the way. That is the same university that my sister is in (my little mother). Don’t I just hate being a last born…naaah, the truth is, I love being a last born coz everyone watches out for me. I am not likely to stray. Even my friends who are 7 hours older than me imagine they have more life experience and they scold me just like my mother would. It kind of makes me feel very special though. I attended my first class today after missing four days of lectures. I wonder how I was able to understand everything in class…I am bragging in case you haven’t noticed yet. I love my math lecturer. I promise you, it isn’t what you are thinking; he is number 1000 on the list of things that I love. I had my first lecture at 7.00 am today. I actually made it to class in time. Kenyatta University happens to be really big. I woke up at 5.00 am, took me one hour to prepare and have my breakfast. I started walking to class at 6.00 am. The reason why I left my room that early was because it takes me one hour to get to the lecture room. As I was busy strolling, the other first years near me were running….talk of insanity. (Shaking my head). They make me feel like the most defocused creature in the whole universe. They are always writing notes including the dry jokes cracked by the old lecturer. The lady who sits next to me has 5 pages of notes. 30% of the notes are just repetition in different words, 30% is the important notes that she needs and 40% are dry jokes cracked by the boring lecturer. On my way to class, there was this guy listening to music. Normally, he would not catch my attention, but this particular one was very special. His phone was on loudspeaker and it was tightly held close to his ears. Trust me; I could hear the music even though I had my pink headphones on. Then I met this confused girls who made me run up and down the stairs because they didn’t know where the class was. I have to admit, running up and down the stairs was quite good exercise. The rest of the day was pretty boring so I decided to sit down and watch movies as I wait for tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)